Page 84 of Bruised

Tess nods. “Keep going, that’s good.”

Fuck it. I’m just gonna tell her. I stare across her tiny apartment without really seeing it as I dig for what’s buried in the depths of me.

“Fucking you is easy. It’s the best thing ever. Ordering you around is easy, too. But talking about other shit, like how much I miss you when you’re not with me, or how I feel when you smile at me, or how I want to spend hours just kissing you, or what I did to land me in prison⁠—”

“Wait a minute,” Tess interrupts. “He still doesn’t know what you did?”

I shake my head.

She gives me the biggest eye roll yet. “Oh, come on! It’s not like you killed someone.”

“But it was close.”

Tess waves a hand. “I bet he’ll get all excited when you tell him. I bet he’ll think it’s hot.”

It’s my turn to roll my eyes this time. “Shut up.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t feel at least a little like a hero.”

“Do you…” I bite the words off.

“Do I see you as a hero?”

I nod, terrified to hear the answer.

“Of course I do,” she says.

I look down at my lap, heart racing. “But… you looked so scared when it happened.”

We’ve never talked about it like this. When she visited me in prison, I couldn’t tell her about how I feared our friendship was over. How terrifying it was to lose control like that.

Tess frowns and says, “Maybe I haven’t told you clearly enough, and if so, you have every right to be mad at me, but here it is: thank you for what you did. I hate how it got you locked up, and I hate to think it’ll affect you your whole life.” She looks me straight in the eye. “But yeah, I was scared when it happened. Not because of what you did, but because of how into it you were. I couldn’t get you to stop. I tried—maybe you don’t remember.”

“I remember,” I mutter. “They talked about getting me into anger management and shit, but it fell through.”

“Do you feel you need something like that?”

“As long as I can work out and get laid as often as I want, I’m okay.”

She grimaces. “Maybe that’s still something to look into.”

“I’m not talking to some shrink.”

“Maybe for Lane, you could do it.”

For Lane, I’d do anything.

The thought invades my mind, taking me by surprise. I know it’s true. At least, anything I can do, I’d do for him. I’m just not sure it’s enough.

Tess puts the vape down and turns all matter-of-fact again. “So, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, what are you going to do about Lane?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do; I fucked up.”

She rolls her eyes for the umpteenth time tonight, sighing, “Boys.” She spreads her fingers and tucks them down one by one. “Okay, I guess I’ll have to spell it out for you: first, you need to apologize. Get on your knees if you have to. Then, you tell him you were an idiot, that you’re head over heels for him, and then you smooch and have make-up sex. Easy.”

“You don’t get it,” I mutter.

“What don’t I get? That you can’t be vulnerable with him like you are with me? What’s the difference between us, except that I’m not a cute goth twink?”