Page 63 of When In Doubt

“Maybe she needs a little push.”

“No,” I say, dejected. “She’ll bolt if I push.”

“Then, what’s the plan?”

“There’s no fucking plan, man,” I reply, getting impatient. “She said no. I’m a grown man, I can take a rejection.”

He huffs indignantly and I can’t help but chuckle. We all watched him chase around after Joni for months before she finally gave him the time of day, but I don’t think that’d fly with Freya.

“You know, she’d be lucky to end up with a guy like you.”

“No.” I frown, a few strands of hair falling into my face with how hard I shake my head. “No, I’d be lucky. To be with her, I’d be the luckiest fucker alive.”

Chapter Twenty-One

FREYA

LUCI

You know what I’m gonna tell you

FREYA

Maybe.

Or you could just not say it.

You’re supposed to be on my side.

Iwait for Luci’s reply as I listen to the milk steamer and the soft sounds of the early diner crowd. I texted her this morning to tell her about what Oscar asked me, and she’s been trying to convince me to go for it ever since.

LUCI

Darling, I am on your side

You’re the one self-sabotaging

I huff. She takes one psychology class in college and now she thinks she can look into the inner workings of my mind. When Becca slides a hot chocolate across the counter it feels like there’s a stone lodged in my throat. My mind flashes back to every perfect hot chocolate that Oscar’s brought me.

Oscar.

I know I made the right choice saying no, but if that’s the case, then why am I so fucking sad? I can’t stop picturing his face. I was expecting him to be mad, but he didn’t even seem upset. He looked disappointed, sure, but he never stopped being nice to me.

When Aaron first asked me out, it was so different. We’d met a few times around town, and he used to come by the gift shop I worked at. He was so certain that I sort of got swept along with it. I didn’t have space to decide if I actually wanted to. It had seemed so charming at the time, but maybe I’d just been dumfounded at the idea that someone actually, finally, seemed to want me.

When Oscar asked, it seemed like the question took him by surprise as much as it had me. I drop my change in the tip jar and Becca gives me a grateful smile and a wink before turning to serve the next customer. I type out my reply as I cross the street, ready to open up the store.

FREYA

I’m not.

I’m just not ready to date.

LUCI

It’s been a year…

FREYA