Page 149 of When In Doubt

I manage a weak smile. “Finishing up Ryan’s probation shit.”

“He’s passing?” She straightens. “Shit, that’s fucking great.”

“Yeah.” I nod. “Don’t say anything to him, alright? Let me get it all squared away.” Mack started the process a few weeks back, so there shouldn’t be much left to do.

Ryan’s a good kid, and a great teammate. Plus, the crew could really use the boost right now and making him a fully-fledged firefighter might be what we all need.

“‘Course not.”

“Alright.” I give the doorframe a tap as I step back. “I’d better get on.”

“Have a good one,” she says as I go.

I brace myself as I head down the hallway to Mack’s office. The door’s shut and I wonder if anyone’s been in here, or if it’s just been sealed up like a crypt. I trace a finger over the embossed lettering on the front. CAPTAIN. I’m just glad it doesn’t say his name. I don’t think I could make it inside if it did. My chest clenches and I have to take some steadying breaths before I can make it inside.

The room’s exactly as I last saw it and my knees nearly give out. There’s even a half-drunk cup of coffee on the desk, dropped next to the coaster instead of on it. He must have put it down in a hurry when the alarm went off.

The strangest thing about the days after we lost my dad was finding all the random things that he’d been halfway through doing. The half-read book on the nightstand, a plate of leftovers in the fridge. We hadn’t wanted to touch any of it, not wanting to make it real. It felt like maybe if we just left it long enough, that he’d walk back in and pick up where he left off. I kind of feel the same way now. It feels wrong to be here, to be disturbing Mack’s system.

The shrill chirp of his PASS alarm keeps ringing, over and over, telling me he’s not moving. I try to lift the beam, to move any of the rubble, but I can’t get to him.

I fall into the chair. It’ll be okay. I just need some more time and I’ll be able to shake it.

I stare at the bookshelves, covered in all his pictures. Is Joni going to want those back? I should text her sister, see what she says. But later. Right now, I can’t handle the thought of them coming in and clearing them away, leaving the office like he’d never been here.

I keep glancing toward the door, my body expecting him to stick his head in and ask what I’m doing in here. I feel like a fraud. What business do I have trying to run anything in his absence? I just need to find Ryan’s paperwork, then I can get out of here.

It doesn’t take me long to find the form I need, not in his meticulously organized system. When I pull it out, I find it already filled in and signed off. Of course. Why did I ever think it would be different? Mack would have had this ready and waiting for some big moment. He was probably planning to order a cake.

I’m ready to start researching local bakeries when there’s a tap on the doorframe. I look up to see Ryan himself, hovering halfway over the threshold. I give him a smile, knowing exactly how he’s feeling.

“Hey, Murph,” he says, his tone as somber as I’ve ever heard it.

“Hi,” I reply, sounding about the same. “How are you doing?”

“Yeah, alright.” He pauses, thinking. “Actually, I’m doing pretty shitty.”

I huff out a grim laugh. “Sounds about right.”

“I saw your truck in the lot, wanted to see how you were.”

“I’m doing pretty shitty too.”

He crosses his arms, staring down at the floor. “You didn’t wanna take any more time off? Chief said we could have as much as we needed.”

“Nah, I needed to be here.”

“I get you.” He doesn’t say anything for a long minute, and when I look up, I see him shuffling around, staring down at his feet.

“You good?” I probe.

“Yeah, I just… there’s something I wanted to ask.”

“Of course.”

He finally comes into the room, closing the door behind him. I gesture to the seat across from me, like I’ve got the right to, and wait for him to sit. Even when he does, he still won’t quite look at me.

“I wanted to ask about that night.”