Page 148 of When In Doubt

Valerie’s arm comes around my shoulders, and it’s only then that I realize that I’m crying. Crying for that kind man and his beautiful family, for the little girl who’s going to wake up and be told about this, who’s about to have her world shattered.

My heart breaks for them. For Joni, for Oscar. I want to try to help, but what can I possibly do here? What can anyone do? I wipe my tears away and pull Valerie into a tight hug as she starts weeping in earnest. It seems like everybody’s crying as the news trickles through the crowd. A total silence descends, broken only by the howls tearing from Joni’s chest.

I don’t know how long it is before Joni finally gets taken home. Somebody must have called her sister, because a frantic woman with the same auburn hair bursts through the side door and makes a beeline right for her. They hold each other for long minutes until Joni wipes her eyes, posture stiff, saying that she needs to go pick up Birdie from the neighbor where she’s been staying tonight.

Oscar offers to go with them, shoulders rigid with the effort it’s taking to stay standing, but Joni’s sister gently sends him away with a squeeze to his elbow.

His face is a mask of stone as he walks towards Valerie and me. I step forward, not sure what to do. He’s just lost his best friend, his mentor. Mack meant everything to him, and now he’s gone.

“Oscar,” I whisper as he gets close. He pauses, looking down at me silently. Eventually, he picks up one of my hands and presses it against his lips, breathing deeply as he gives it a soft squeeze. I bring up my other arm, ready to pull him into an embrace, when he turns.

His voice cracks as he tries to fight a sob. “Mom,” he croaks, before falling into her arms and breaking down in tears.

Chapter Forty-Eight

OSCAR

VALERIE

Are you sure you’re ready to be back?

OSCAR

I’m good.

VALERIE

It’s only been a week sweetheart

I sigh down at the screen as I approach the side door of the station. We’ve been over this a hundred times already. I send off a final message, not wanting to get into this again.

OSCAR

Got to go, call you later.

I lock the device and slide it into my pocket, ignoring mom’s incoming reply.

I stare up at the red brick wall in front of me, the building I haven’t been in since that night. I swear it’s never looked so big before. The department told me to take as much time as I needed, but I was going crazy at home.

I’m not sleeping, I can hardly eat. Freya’s trying to take care of me, but I don’t want to dump all this on her. I needed to get out of the house, at least here, I can do something productive. Besides, I won’t have the thing that Mack built, the thing he gave his life for, go to shit on my watch.

There’s a flash of light, sparks as the beam comes down. I can hardly see it through the smoke but I can just about make out Mack’s face before he’s lost in the dust.

I gasp, jolting myself out of the memory. I can’t stop seeing it. I rub a fist over my eyes like I can wipe it away. With a deep breath, I convince my hand to reach for the handle and open the door.

The station looks exactly the same. It smells the same, that faint trace of disinfectant cutting through whatever’s cooking. But it doesn’t sound the same. Usually there’s shouting, music blasting from the gym, the sounds of arguing and laughter in the same mix. Now, it’s just quiet. Not silent. I can still make out conversations and doors shutting throughout the building, but it’s as if the soul has been sucked out of the place.

Fuck, I don’t know if I can do this.

I’ve spent days expecting the phone to ring. I haven’t heard from our area chief since he called and told me to come back whenever I was ready, but I know how these things go. Once he knows I’m in today, he’s going to ask me to take over as acting captain. My stomach sinks just thinking about it.

I pass by the open door of the lounge. Jenna’s inside with one of the EMTs talking quietly from either end of the sectional. In the corner, there’s Justin, but when he sees me in the doorway he gives me a polite nod and leaves through the other door. We haven’t really talked since trivia night, only enough to work together. I don’t know what there is to say. We were never friends. If he wants to clear the air, then he needs to come to me. I’ll still be professional, I’ll have his back in the field the same way I would anyone on the crew, but he’s definitely getting cut from our trivia team. It’s not like he ever knew the answers, anyway.

“Murph!” Jenna calls, spotting me leaning over the back of the couch. “Didn’t realize you were gonna be in?”

“Yeah, I got some paperwork to do.” I’m not allowed to go on calls for another week, so it’s just desk duty until then.

“Anything exciting?” she says with a smirk.