Page 123 of Xavier

Thirty-Five

Her

He always says he waited, searched for me for twelve years. But I spent twelve years trying not to be found. I never realized how much that shaped how I lived, what choices I made.

Those first few years, changing my name, how I looked. I became someone new.

I shed the girl I had grown up with for eighteen years, and evolved into someone who lived a life I didn’t think could be traced to someone I wanted to forget.

But nothing really changed.

The very essence of me, my love for art and color stayed.

And it brought me back to him. The one who’d lured that love out of me in the first place.

As much as I was hiding from him, I’d made my life a tribute to him. Living vicariously through my memories. Too afraid to give him a chance.

I never realized that until now.

Now that it’s too late.

He’s right. We weren’t good for each other.

If I was driving him to the brink of death to try to right some wrongs of the past, then I shouldn’t be a part of his life.

How can I stand by watching him kill himself, in the name of trying to protect me?

But if I could, I would change it all.

I would show him that he was enough, that I trusted him, that I needed him. That nothing would ever be the same without him.

“What do you want for lunch?” Cameron’s voice makes me jump. We’ve spent the last week packing up my apartment. There’s no way I can stay here, after what happened. In a way, it almost feels like a relief to have something to focus on, something to wipe the slate clean. Something to mark a new phase in my life.

“Um, I’m not really hungry.”

“You’ve gotta eat something! How ‘bout I go grab something from Donali’s.”

I smile at my friend and business partner. He’s been here for me from the moment Jade brought me home from the hospital.

We talked about what happened the night before I woke up in his bed, and while I know it was innocent and he was just there to comfort me, I can’t help feeling that maybe he feels like it was the start of something new. But I’m not ready for that. And I may never be.

“Um, yeah, that sounds great. Thank you.”

“Sure, I’ll be right back, okay?” He drops the box he’s packing and gives me a wink as he heads for the door. I wait until I hear his footsteps down the hallway before I run over and pull the chain across.

I can never feel safe here again.