Page 121 of Xavier

Thirty-four

Her

I hang back, letting Jade help his mother in to see him first. As much as I want to run in there and tell him what I’ve realized, I know there will be time. We will have all the time in the world now.

They're only in there for a few minutes before they emerge, his mother sobbing as Kaine gently helps her to a seat. Jade gives me a small smile and hugs me for a second.

“He’s really weak, but he’s asking for you. I’m just warning you though, he doesn’t look great.”

His eyes are closed when I walk up to the side of the hospital bed. If I were here alone and looking for him, I would not recognize the person lying in front of me. His face is bruised, dark purple and swollen. A bandage loops around the circumference of his head, and I can see blood still caked on his scalp. It’s dry, burgundy red.

I wipe away the tears streaming down my face. He’s okay, I remind myself. The doctor said he would be okay.

I sniff, and the sound makes him open his eyes. Eye. One is swollen shut.

“Hey you,” I say softly, running my finger along the hem of his hospital gown.

“Hey,” he croaks.

“I hate to see what the other guy looks like,” I try to joke, and his mouth tightens into a split-second smile.

“Yeah, he’s a mess.”

“The doctor said you’re going to b-“

“I can’t do this anymore, Malynda,” he says, cutting me off.

I stop. I’m not sure I heard him right.

“What are you talking about, Xavier?”

He tries to turn his head to face me and winces.

“I mean, I can’t do this anymore. Live like this. Or, almost die like this. I have to stop. I have to stop chasing you. I have to let you go.”

His words crush the air from my body.

“Xavier, no. I’m sorry. I’ve… I’ve done this all wrong. From the beginning, I was wrong.”

“No, you didn’t know any other way. And I get that. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to protect you. And you’re right, I’m trying to make up for the past, but I’m just fucking up the future. It’s time for me to realize that what we had is over.”

“I… I don’t understand,” I say, and I can feel my head shaking.

“I just don’t know what you want from me.”

“All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Are you happy?”

“Does it look like it? And you? Are you happy?”

“Me? Worried that you’re going to go off and kill someone, or worse, get yourself killed? No. That doesn’t make me happy.”

“Then what am I doing in your life? I have no role. I don’t want to be the one who makes you look like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like you don’t have any tears left to cry.”

“Oh, Xavier. I was so worried.”