Page 18 of The Art of Drowning

“I will.”

Zeke went quiet again, but I knew it wouldn’t last. I knew he’d have questions.

“Where did you meet her?” I asked, curious about how they met, but I also wanted to keep him talking so maybe he’d forget to ask me the things that I could feel swirling around in his head.

“She works at a coffee shop down the street from my dad’s new apartment. She lives with like six other people, but she claims to love it. Says it’s better than living at home.” Zeke’s voice took on a dark quality and I didn’t have to ask about her home life to get why he sounded pissed.

I hadn’t told my parents because I hadn’t told anyone until now, not because I worried that they might kick me out. I figured that my family wouldn’t care, that they’d accept me no matter what. I mean, it’s what Mom had promised both Sam and me would happen.

“So… who’s the lucky guy?”

“Oh, there’s no one.” My hands curled into fists. It wasn’t a lie. Damien was straight, and not mine. He was Sam’s friend. Sam’s best friend. So even if he wasn’t straight, it would still be a colossally bad idea. Sam didn’t even like sharing a bathroom with me, let alone a whole-ass person.

“Hmmm, that sounds like a lie,” Zeke said, and I could feel his judgmental stare boring into the side of my head. “Let me rephrase that. Who was your gay awakening? Who was the person who woke up that little queen inside of you?”

Despite my determination to not react, I laughed.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I think you mean fabulous.”

“Don’t be an ass.”

“I’ll stop when you tell me. I deserve to know. Best friend privileges and all that.”

The deep breath I took didn’t feel like it provided enough oxygen because I was suddenly dizzy. This was real. I was gay, and about to admit to my best friend about my first ever real live crush on another human being.

“Oh, God,” Zeke said, horror dripping into his voice. “It’s not me is it? I mean, I’m flattered, but you’re like my brother. And then there’s poor, sweet Ginny to think about.”

“For God’s sake, shut up. It’s not you, idiot.”

“Well, that’s a relief, but also, what the fuck? Why isn’t it me? I’m hot. I’m a total catch.”

Zeke’s antics broke the tension that had built up in my chest, and I managed to get my lungs working again. “It’s Damien.”

Zeke went still, then sat up again. “Damien!”

“Shhhh.”

He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Damien, as in…”

“Sam worked all summer mowing yards and shit for that landscaping company. He wanted Damien to work with him, but his hay fever was going to kill him. We have that new pool, so he just kind of hung out here.”

“I’m surprised your room doesn’t smell like a cum sock. All summer long with your shirtless crush. I’d have jerked myself to death by now.”

“You’re disgusting.” But he also wasn’t entirely wrong. From the day that I’d admitted to myself that I was gay, and crushing hardcore on Damien, I’d freely jerked to thoughts of him. Memories of us in the pool. Daydreams about what it would be like if Damien was even a little bit not straight. A little curious. “Air fresheners and clean sheets do wonders for the overall atmosphere in a room. You should try it sometime.”

“You’re an asshole, and I suddenly don’t want to be on your bed anymore.”

“Don’t worry. I only jerk under the covers.”

“Well, that’s good to know. I feel so much better now, thanks.”

We went back to our phones. Back to stupid memes and dumb internet videos. Back to being just a couple of best friends, now with shared secrets. The room felt lighter. The world felt kinder. And now that I knew I had at least one person on my side, I felt like I could maybe risk telling more people.

Eventually.

I wasn’t going to rush out and make a grand announcement to the world. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Did I want to date? Did I want to find other gay kids to go hook up with? Did I want to download an app and see who was on there?