Page 16 of The Art of Drowning

When we got outside, Callum was reading by the pool as he often did. Sam paid him zero mind and instead walked straight to the edge of the pool and dove into the deep end. I watched him swim to the bottom and then turn and shoot back up. By the time he surfaced, Cal was going inside, the patio door sliding shut behind him.

He hadn’t said hello or even looked at me. He just stood up, went inside, and shut the door. I hated that he hadn’t stayed around, that he’d run away from me so swiftly after we’d spent so many afternoons together.

Sam’s head popped out of the water, and he swiped droplets off his face with his hand. His gaze darted to where Cal had been sitting and his smile grew when he realized that Cal had already abandoned the pool, surrendering it to him.

“Come in the water, D. It’s perfect.” He started to swim for the shallow end, expecting me to enter from there. I almost didn’t. I almost jumped in the water so I could show him all that I’d learned. But something stopped me. If I showed Sam, he’d ask questions and I’d have to tell him the truth. That Cal had been teaching me how to swim while Sam worked. That while he was sweating, I was hanging at his house, swimming in his pool. Being taught by Cal, someone Sam had decided to dislike for reasons that I’m sure made sense to him.

I walked to the shallow end and sat on the side of the pool, then slid into the water like I’d done a thousand times before. Keeping my little secret safe. I didn’t want to tell Sam because I didn’t want to share this with him. He’d find a way to be weird about it or to make me feel weird about it. And part of me worried that I wouldn’t be able to confess to one thing without Sam guessing the other.

Instead, I got in the water, and immediately splashed him. He grinned at me.

“Oh, it’s on!” Sam was gleeful as he brought his arms back and got ready to splash me in return.

Suddenly everything was normal between us. No lingering awkwardness from the questions Sam wanted to ask. No silences as I held things inside and kept them away from him. Just us and the water and a hot summer day, like it was before things had started to shift inside me.

NINE

callum

THEN

School started, Sam’s summer job ended, and I wasn’t alone with Damien again. That was a good thing. Damien wasn’t mine, and it was dangerous to pretend, especially because I was pretty sure he was straight, and I was certain that I wasn’t.

Because it wasn’t just Damien who could turn my head. Aiden from my English class played hockey and he had an amazing ass. Not that I ogled him or anything. But I noticed. And I noticed guys in the gym sometimes. Older guys. Guys the same age. Guys of different builds from lanky swimmer types to teddy bear bodies.

Damien was my favorite, though. Out of everyone. Maybe it was because he was the one to make me admit it to myself. Maybe that made him special in some way because I couldn’t get him out of my head. He haunted my dreams and my waking hours. I was a year ahead of him and Sam, so I didn’t see him in my classes, but he was in the halls. His laughter was a siren song. Sometimes he caught my gaze across a crowded room, and sometimes I could almost tell that he was purposely not looking at me.

I didn’t think much of it.

Damien was straight and my brother’s best friend. It wasn’t like I was out, anyway. Not to anyone. Not to my parents or my friends or to anyone at school. Not even anonymously online somewhere.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to come out; I wasn’t sure about that yet. Or that I was too afraid… okay, fear had a lot to do with it. Mostly I didn’t know how to do it. It wasn’t like I was close to many people. Not even Sam. But I couldn’t imagine telling him about my recent sexual discovery. If he knew I’d spent the summer drooling over his best friend, he’d kill me. Or worse.

I really wanted to tell Zeke, my best friend, but he’d been gone all summer. His parents split up a few years ago, so every summer he went to stay with his dad. He’d come back quieter this year. More introspective and I got the feeling that I wasn’t the only person who’d changed over the summer.

It was Saturday, and thankfully Sam and Damien were nowhere to be found. Damien had shown up a while ago, and they’d taken off in the junker Sam bought with the money he saved over the summer. Personally, you wouldn’t catch me dead in that car. Especially with Sam behind the wheel, but Damien was obviously a risk-taker.

Zeke came over sometime after they left and we were doing that thing where we lay side by side on my bed, both scrolling our phones. We’d show each other funny memes from time to time, but it felt like both of us had a weight sitting on our chests. The room was full of untold secrets.

And then Zeke spoke. He was always a little braver than I was. Especially if I was anxious about something, he’d do it first just so I could see that I could do it too.

“So, um… this summer. I met a girl.” Zeke’s voice was quiet, and it shook a little.

I stopped looking at my phone and turned my head slightly so I could see him better. “Is she nice?”

The corner of Zeke’s mouth tipped up into a shy smile. There was a hint of something in his eyes, a hint of knowing, I thought. “She’s great.”

“Then I’m glad. You deserve someone nice.”

He sucked in a deep breath. “I asked her if I could tell you, and she said yes, but you can’t tell anyone else.”

“That you met a girl? Why would I? It’s no one’s business but yours.”

“No… uh, there’s more.” Zeke sat up and set his phone aside, and I did the same thing. He wiped his hands on his legs like he was sweaty and uncomfortable.

“Is she a serial killer or something?”

Zeke shook his head.