Page 106 of Hard to Lose

My eyes wander to the orange envelope I’ve pinned to the wall behind the bar. A reminder to myself why I’m here, what I gave up, and that Chase lied to me.

I hate the idea that comes to mind but think it might just be what I need to do.

It worked once before.

It’s time to pull the Band-Aid off.

It’s the only thing I know how to do right it seems.

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

Chase

My pulse races as I stare at the envelope on my desk.

It’s not orange this time, nor is it faded and tattered at the edges, but it’s the same penmanship addressed to Kincade Sports Management.

The only difference is under KSM, it says “Attn: Chase Kincade.”

My hands shake as I pull the letter out and read it.

Dear Ms. Chase Kincade,

Thank you for your time. I just recently learned of your interest in me. Maybe if you had been honest from the start, we could have made this work. At this time, it’s best if we both move on as if we never met. To let dreams we might have had go. To accept that life has changed forever.

-Gunner Camden

I reread the letter over and over till my tears blur so much that I can’t see the words.

And then Dickman, our sarge, said we should write letters to those who mattered. To say goodbye to our dreams because life as we knew it was over.

He wrote me an “If I Die” letter.

He wrote me out of his life just like he did the sport he loved and the life he lived.

If I thought there was any hope of us figuring things out, this just basically annihilated it. Every single ounce of it.

“Chase? Honey?”

I startle at the knock on my door and my father’s voice. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here staring out at the world beyond our high-rise with the letter clutched in my hand.

“Yeah?” I croak.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks, moving into my office.

I shake my head. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Okay.” He sighs with a helplessness I feel deep in my bones. “I’m sorry you’re hurting. If there’s one thing a parent hates more than anything in the world, it’s seeing their child hurting. Part of being a dad is trying to protect your kids from the hurt. Kissing a scraped knee. Defending you from monsters under the bed. Stealing some of Finn’s business for cheating on you. But I know I can’t fix this. I know a broken heart is way stronger than the tools I have in my arsenal, but God, how I wish I did.”

“It’s okay. I deserve this. I lied. I’m paying the consequences. There’s no one to blame but me.” I meet his eyes for the first time and force myself to give him a smile.

“I admire that about you. Your responsibility. But at the same time, maybe things will change. Maybe time will heal the hurt. Maybe the two of you had to fall apart in order to realize how much you need to fall back together.”

“I think we more like exploded apart rather than fell. There was nothing graceful about it,” I mutter.

He chuckles. “You’re making jokes, that’s a good sign.”

“Jokes are all I have.” I shrug and avert my eyes from his, because the sympathy in them might just be my undoing.