Page 100 of Hard to Hold

“I love you to death, Lenn, but you need some straight-shooting right now. Every time you find someone you really like, you use the lame excuse that you love your freedom and the ability to move as you please as a reason for it not to work. It’s just for fun, you say. It’s just great sex. But I call bullshit. You’re too afraid to let anyone get too close to you so you pick the ones who can’t.”

“Did you guys all have a group talk on what to say to me, because I swear I’ve heard this spiel before,” I say to try and play off what she’s saying, avoiding the uneasiness it brings.

“Mom dying fucked us all up. It’s a natural reaction to fear someone getting too close because you’re afraid you’ll get hurt. But at some point, Lenn, you have to let someone get close to you. But I think Rush already is. I just think you’re too scared to admit it.”

She’s right.

I know she’s right, and yet now I’ve put myself in the exact situation she’s talking about. I picked a person to be with who I know is going to leave. Now I’ve fallen for him, and I’m scared to death because he is in fact leaving.

“Like I said, it’s complicated,” I whisper as Rush’s laugh carries over to me.

“And like I said, you love him.” She laughs.

But this time when she says it, I don’t refute her. This time I look up and watch Rush completely at ease with everyone I care about, and every part of me can see the merit in what my sister is saying.

“How do you know when it’s love?” I whisper.

“When he’s your beginning, middle, and end. When you think about him for no reason. When you want the world for him even if you’re not a part of that world.”

“Well, that’s depressing,” I say sarcastically.

“True, but if it’s real and true, he’ll find a way to make you a part of that world.”

I blow out a breath and twist my lips as everything my little sister says lands a direct hit.

“This can’t happen,” I murmur.

“You can’t tell love that.” She puts her arm around me and squeezes me against her.

“Shh.”

“What? You think everyone standing here doesn’t already know you two are a thing? If you think Hunter and Dekker are the only ones here making heart eyes at each other, you’re crazy.”

“But I promised you I wouldn’t do this, and look what I did.”

“No. You promised me you wouldn’t sleep with a potential client. Nowhere did you promise you wouldn’t fall in love with one.”

I eye my little sister over the rim of my glass and sigh. “How did this happen?”

“That’s not the question you should be asking yourself. You should be asking yourself what you’re going to do about it.”

* * *

“I would like to propose a toast.” My dad stands from his seat with his glass of wine in his hand.

Everyone at the party moves toward him, and Johnny reaches down and squeezes my hand. “I hope you don’t mind that I let them come,” he whispers in my ear. “I didn’t think you’d be ready to go home by the date of the party, so I told them they were more than welcome to come here.”

“Please, don’t apologize.”

“I know you were struggling a bit with family stuff and I didn’t want to overstep.”

“You’re my family too, John.” I choke up. “I needed this more than you know.”

He presses a kiss to the side of my head. “I know. You’re simply glowing with happiness.”

He puts a hand on my back and pushes me forward to where I walk up and stand beside Rush. It feels like it’s been all night that we’ve walked that tightrope of pretending we’re not together. Chase was right. They all know.

Regardless, when I meet his eyes, every part of me warms at the sight of him.