Page 74 of The Beastly Earl

"I think I understand how hard it must have been for both of you." Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a his mother's mouth curved in a sad smile.

"Perhaps you do." She returned her gaze to the fire as her face indicated she was lost in the past once more. "Elspeth was with child almost immediately, and despite my objections, she insisted I come stay with her at the keep. Our mother had been dead for several years, and Elspeth wanted family with her. I tried to find an excuse not to go, but my father was just as insistent as my sister.

"From the moment I arrived, Dougal and I were plunged into an existence that alternated between heaven and hell. We were able to steal the occasional quiet moment of companionship, only to experience days of hell afterward. When Elspeth miscarried the baby, she begged me not to go, and I agreed to remain at Argaty Keep. Whether it was out of sympathy for my sister or my inability to leave Dougal, I've never tried to answer the question.

"Over the next two years, Elspeth suffered several miscarriages. The last one took a grave toll on her health, and the doctor said it was unlikely she would ever be able to have children. Dougal became more desolate as he began to realize Elspeth might never give him the son he wanted so badly. He took to riding for hours out on the moor, and one afternoon we met unexpectedly. In the past, we'd only touched hands or stolen the occasional kiss.

"But that afternoon we were completely free to laugh, hold hands, and kiss without fear of discovery. Before either of us realized what was happening, I surrendered to him. We knew it was wrong, but how can something that feels so right be wrong? It's what we asked ourselves every time we were in each other's arms. To make matters worse, Elspeth insisted Dougal and she try one more time despite the doctor's warnings.

"Dougal told me it had been difficult enough to lay with Elspeth in the past. The idea of doing so again was repugnant to him. He declared he would divorce Elspeth, so we could marry, but once again I refused to let him hurt my sister. Instead, I told him to go to her one last time. He rejected my suggestion outright.

"We argued for days about it, but I was adamant. I never allowed him to see how much the thought of him being with Elspeth was tearing me up inside. If he'd known, he would never have agreed to share my sister's bed again. But I knew how badly he wanted a son, and I was willing to sacrifice anything for him to have what I couldn't give him.

"When Elspeth declared she was with child again, Dougal decided to take her to Italy where the climate would be better for her while carrying the babe. She demanded that I accompany them. I refused, but Elspeth insisted that Dougal persuade me to go with them. He was more than happy to oblige her, and as always I surrendered to his wishes.

"We'd only been in Italy a few weeks when I realized I was with child. I didn't know what to do, and it didn't take long for Dougal to know something was wrong. When he finally managed to make me confess my secret, he was as dismayed as I was. But not once did either of us regret what our love had given us.

"I suggested I return home, and he could set me up in my own house in London, where he could visit us under the appearance we were married. The suggestion infuriated him. He said he'd already compromised me, and he had no intention of compounding that mistake by tucking me away as his mistress. He said I would remain in Italy, and we would tell Elspeth the truth. I pleaded with him to send me away, but nothing I said convinced him to change his mind.

"If anything, I think my pleas only made him dig in his heels all the more, and he insisted we tell her the truth. I was terrified to face Elspeth. I loved my sister, and I knew my betrayal was unforgivable. Her anger was terrifying when Dougal told her that I was carrying his child. In her rage, she threatened me, and Dougal took to sleeping in my room for fear my sister would try to harm me and thus you.

"Elspeth was only a month or so further along than me, and when her time came she had a difficult labor. The first time Elspeth saw Gilbert, she became hysterical. She insisted someone had replaced her beautiful baby with the hideous little thing she'd given birth to. The doctor said Gilbert's deformities were so bad it was unlikely he would live more than a few weeks. We also knew that even if the babe lived, there was little chance he'd be able to take Dougal's place at Argaty.

"At first, Elspeth refused to nurse Gilbert, but two days after he was born, she put him to her breast. When my time came, Dougal defied the mid-wife and doctor and remained at my side until you came into the world. You were beautiful. It was then I told Dougal I intended to take you to London. I said I would find a small house and claim I was a widow with a small child to raise.

"Your father refused to listen. He said he intended to divorce Elspeth and marry me. As much as I loved Dougal, I knew we'd injured my sister grievously. Not only had she suffered betrayal and humiliation at our hands, she'd just given birth to a severely deformed son. I couldn't allow him to take everything from her. I told him I would leave Argaty forever, and that I'd never marry him if he divorced Elspeth.

"He raged, pleaded, even begged me not to condemn him to a life bound to my sister. It took all I had not to give way, but I held firm. I think it was then that Dougal began to concoct the elaborate deception I should never have agreed to. It would have been far more preferable to live in London pretending to be a widow and raising you on my own than the devil's bargain I made."

Wallis buried her face in her hands, and Ewan leaned forward to rest his hand on her shoulder. It felt awkward, but he could think of nothing else to do. It was as if a floodgate had opened up inside her the way she'd been telling him her story. A shudder went through her, then she sat up straight and patted his hand in a way that said she had recovered her composure. Wallis leaned back in her chair and darted a glance in his direction. Just as quickly she looked back into the fire and dragged in a deep breath.

"Several days after you were born, Dougal informed Elspeth and me that he'd reached a decision as to you and Gilbert. He informed my sister that everyone at home would be told she'd delivered twins, and that you had been born first. I listened in growing horror as he told my sister that she would accept my child as her own when we returned to Argaty Keep.

"I loved your father, but at that moment I hated him. Not only was he inflicting a terrible cruelty on Elspeth, but what he proposed meant I would have to give you up. Elspeth would be the one you called mother, not me. Worst of all, Dougal hadn't asked if I was willing to do this, but perhaps I left him with no choice with my threat to leave if he divorced Elspeth. I think he believed everything would be as it was before I was with child, with the exception that he would have an heir.

"As would be expected, Elspeth refused to agree to what Dougal had proposed. She called the idea of mothering a bastard revolting. Dougal immediately threatened her with divorce unless she agreed to do as he ordered. Divorce meant more humiliation for her, and I'm certain she knew that her shame wouldn't be discovered if she agreed to Dougal's proposal. Only the three of us would know the truth. I think that was the moment she began to plot her revenge.

"It took almost a week before Elspeth agreed to Dougal's proposal, but there were conditions to her acquiescence. From the moment Dougal and Elspeth were married, I had refused to let him petition Elspeth for a divorce saying I didn't want my sister to be hurt. I believe, with all my heart, that was true in the beginning. But the anger and mortification in Elspeth's voice that day as she laid out her demands made me realize a divorce would have been far less painful for her.

"What Dougal was forcing her to do was incredibly cruel. It wasn't simply that she had to claim her sister's bastard as her own, it was that every time she looked at you, it was a reminder she'd been betrayed by her sister and husband. Perhaps worst of all, it was a slap in the face as to her failure to give Dougal a son capable of being his heir.

"I had no doubt by then that Elspeth hated us. It was only when she outlined her three conditions that I knew how deep her hatred was. The first condition was that you were never to be told the truth. I agreed to the stipulation readily. I cared little for my welfare, but you were the most precious thing in my life. I think perhaps even more than Dougal at that moment.

"Life for you as a bastard meant you would carry the burden of my shame. The thought of you being tormented and shunned by others for my sin was unbearable. I also knew it would ensure your future. The second condition was a double-edged sword.

"I was to remain at Argaty Keep caring for you and acting as Elspeth's lady's maid for as long as she deemed fit. Caring for you would be a joy, but I knew my sister would make me pay dearly for that happiness. She already knew what it was to be a mother. Even as hideous as Gilbert looked, I knew she loved him.

"It was how she knew I would do anything for you, and we both knew the threat of sending me away from you was her way of holding a knife to my throat. But it was a price I was willing to pay. Even if you never knew I was your mother, I would know it. It would also be a penance for my betrayal of Elspeth. A penance I knew deep inside would hold no real meaning as I wickedly, and shamefully, dared to think Dougal and I would still share quiet moments of happiness watching you grow to manhood.

"Little did I know how dearly my sister would make me pay for my original sin or the treacherous sins I contemplated even as she made her demands in ways I couldn't possibly imagine. But Elspeth had thought of everything. She knew Dougal and I would accept her two conditions simply because we would still be able to share our joy."

Wallis paused and looked at Ewan as if waiting for him to ask a question. He simply met her gaze with a growing sense of dismay for what she'd endured. They'd both suffered at the hand of Elspeth Colquhoun, and he was quickly coming to realize the true depth of his mother's sacrifice for him.

In all the years he'd looked to the Countess of Argaty for a word of affection, his real mother had offered her love to him in silence. She'd been the one to wipe away his tears, and hold him tight whenever he was afraid or hurt. It had been Wallis MacCullaich who had expressed praise for anything he'd accomplished. It was a painful and humbling truth that shamed him for not seeing it until now.

This time there was no awkwardness in his movement as he reached out to take her hand and kiss her fingertips. His silent gesture of gratitude and respect for her sacrifice made her hand tremble in his. Grey eyes so like his shimmered with tears before she pulled her hand from his and turned her head back toward the fire. Inhaling a deep breath her mouth worked in silent speech for a brief moment before she continued.

"It was her third condition that extracted the ultimate payment for our sins. She condemned us to the hellish existence we had known when I'd first arrived at Argaty Keep. Elspeth said Dougal and I were never to meet in private again. Even a single, innocent encounter would be enough for her to seek a divorce where she would expose the charade that was being forced on her.