Page 40 of Queen of Nothing

I thought I was beloved and cherished, and that’s why I was taken out of Bluestone every time I was injured. Even just a scrape on my knee would send Father into a panic, and I would be taken home for Witchdoctor Dolios to tend to.

But the fear in me doesn’t dissipate.

The dread doesn’t ease.

The doubt doesn’t leave.

So I dig up what I buried under the roots of this tree months ago.

The syringe that I took from the infirmary’s storeroom the night we ran.

What’s strange is I don’t remember actively choosing to take it that night.

I just… took it.

Like, as I considered it, touched it, and felt the walls of my life coming down around me, I realised something deep down in the hollowness.

I just knew a horrible truth.

Something I haven’t been strong enough to face. Brave enough to check.

But this is my last chance to face it.

Serena and I leave soon.

Sofía wants us to pay more if we stay longer—and both of us are itching to get out of here.

We need to leave and start our lives with Sofía’s shield following us around.

We can’t be like the other runaways here. Stuck and too afraid to leave, too afraid of the outside world.

Even though I am scared.

Fear coils through me, like some wet and thick creature, a squid slopping and slashing inside of me.

My fingers drag over the plastic-wrapped bag.

And I falter.

My breath pins to my chest and I can feel it, my heart beating, thumping and thumping.

I dig my nails into the earth at the edge of the bag, then wrench it out.

It rustles, far too loud.

With a glance up at the sky, I see that the sun is gone, and the moonlight brushes over the earth, and the stars glitter so clearly.

Dinner will still be buzzing in the dining room.

I doubt anyone heard the rustle.

Still, I am frozen for a moment, waiting, listening—and I hear nothing more than nature, the breeze through the shrub, the crackling of dry leaves, and my own heart beating in my eardrums.

The breath shudders out of me.

I can’t put it off any longer.

And I know, deep down, I’m just buying time.