Page 103 of We Are Just Us

“She really was. You know about the drinking,” Rory said. “But what I didn’t tell you is what it looked like. Who I was hurting.”

Kieran turned onto his side, facing Rory. Rory stayed on his back, staring up at the sky, as if it were easier to say this without being looked at.

“There was Meg,” Rory said. “You know that part. But what I told you before, that it was casual, that was her version. Her experience of it.” His voice roughened. “On my end, I was drowning. I was using her to not feel alone. She thought we were having fun. I was trying to survive another night.”

Kieran rested his hand on Rory’s chest, his heart beating faster under his palm.

“She’s the one who told me I needed to stop,” Rory continued. “She looked at me one night and said, ‘you’re killing yourself, and I can’t watch it anymore.’ And I wanted to argue with her. Wanted to tell her she was wrong. But she wasn’t wrong.”

Kieran pressed closer, his forehead against Rory’s shoulder.

“And it wasn’t just her. There were other people during that time. A guy named Michael. I met him at a bar, both of us figuring ourselves out. It was what it needed to be. After Meg said what she said, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Three years ago I stopped everything. Drinking, sleeping with people, all of it. I stayed celibate for about a year. White-knuckled my way through every day, trying not to fall apart.”

“That must have been lonely.”

“It was,” Rory’s voice was barely above a whisper. “But I needed to learn how to be alone without destroying myself. I’d never done that before. Not since Britt.”

Kieran blinked hard against the sting in his eyes.

“Then about two years ago,” Rory continued, “I downloaded an app. Not because I wanted a fucking relationship. Just because I wanted to feel something. To remember what it was like to be touched by someone.”

“And?”

“It happened. Once. Some guy. It wasn’t anything.” Rory finally turned his head, meeting Kieran’s eyes in the darkness. “And then nothing. Until you.”

Kieran leaned in and kissed him. Gentle, careful, tasting salt.

When he pulled back, Rory’s eyes were closed.

“You know what gets me about the stars?” Rory said, voice unsteady.

Kieran looked up. “What?”

“Most of them are already dead. The light we’re seeing, some of it left those stars thousands of years ago. Millions, even. By the time it reaches us, the star might not even exist anymore.” Rory opened his eyes, staring up at the infinite dark. “We’re looking at ghosts. Echoes of things that used to be. And we still think they’re beautiful.”

“I never really thought about it like that.”

“I used to think about it a lot after Britt died,” Rory said quietly. “How she was gone, but everything she’d done, the way she’d loved people, the jokes she made, the way she saw the world, all of that was still here. Still moving through everything, like light.” He paused. “The light doesn’t stop just because she’s gone. It keeps going. It still matters.” He paused again, shorter this time. “I've never said that out loud before.”

Kieran couldn’t speak. He just pressed closer, his face against Rory’s shoulder, and Rory’s arm came around him, pulling him in.

They lay together for a long time, breathing together under the dead stars.

“I’m falling for you,” Kieran said finally, the words muffled against Rory’s skin. “And it scares the shit out of me.”

Rory’s arm tightened around him.

“Good,” he said. “Because I’m already there. That’s why I couldn’t tell you about Britt.” A pause. “I didn’t know how to be the guy with the dead wife and also be the guy you were falling for.”

Kieran pressed closer. “You are, though.”

Rory didn’t say anything for a long time. Just held on.

The fire died down to embers. The cold crept in. Neither of them moved.

“We should probably go to bed,” Rory said eventually.

“Probably.”