Page 127 of Okay, Cupid

“I’m sorry for what I said. The other night at the festival. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I said that I can’t love you back. I’m sorry for that.”

“Jude, you don’t have to—”

“I’m not done,” I say. And he pauses, nodding to let me continue. “I’m sorry for making you feel like I was dragging you along, and I’m sorry for not being able to tell you the whole truth. I’m sorry that there are things that I can’t tell you. I’m sorry that I’m leaving soon. And I’m sorry that I fell asleep during the movie, I really wanted to watch it. I’m sorry for making you stay up late to talk to me, and I’m sorry for all the times I asked you for a ride home. I’m sorry …” I breathe, my hands shaky. “I’m sorry for a lot of things, Huy Trinh. All of that and more. But one thing I’m not sorry for is falling in love with you.”

He doesn’t say anything.

“And maybe it’s too late, maybe this is messed up of me to do, and if it is then all you have to do is tell me and I’ll apologize again. But there was no way I was leaving this city, leaving you, without telling you the truth. At least the version of it that I can tell you. Because you deserve that. I’m in love with you, Huy, and I think some part of me has been ever since I met you, when I noticed that you chew on your fingernails when you’re nervous, and that mole on the back of your neck, and those flecks of gold in your eye, and how excited you get when you talk about your favorite things.” It feels like the words stumble out in a single breath. Because they do. Because I have to get this out now or I don’t think I ever will.

In fact, I know.

Because I have minutes left with Huy, if I’m lucky.

There will come a time when those eyes don’t recognize me, a time that will arrive very soon. And I need to appreciate every precious second between then and now.

“Did you three come from the dance?” he asks, peering into the car to see Neve’s and Alice’s outfits.

“Not the point, Trinh!” Alice shouts.

“Yes,” I tell him.

“You went to the dance?” he asks.

“To find you.”

“You … you’re in love with me?”

I nod.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about yourself,” he says. “I just … I needed some time away after what happened. I didn’t want to pressure you into saying anything, or making you think you had to feel a certain way, Jude.”

“You didn’t,” I promise him. “I’ve felt this way for a while.”

“But we can’t be together. That’s what you said.”

I step closer to him, because I only want him to hear this. “Because that’s true. No matter what happens here tonight, we can’t be together, Huy. I wish that we could, and I wish I was wrong more than anything in the world. But that’s the truth.”

“Why?”

“I am asking you to trust me here, because I can’t tell you.”

I could. I could spill the entire truth here and now, because he’d just forget it anyway. But I don’t want to waste what time we do have together.

“I’m asking you to forget that,” I tell him. “To just spend these minutes with me.”

“You’re scaring me, Jude.”

“It’ll all be okay.” I take his hand. “I need you to know that. It’ll all be okay.”

“You sound like you’re dying.” He lets out an awkward laugh before it vanishes in an instant. “Wait, you’re not, right?”

“No. There are just things that I can’t tell you. Please just know that you met me at a very weird time in my life, and it’s only going to get weirder.”

Huy hesitates for a moment, before his hand wraps around mine. “Okay.”

“Why didn’t you go to the dance?” I ask him.

“I was afraid that you’d show up.”