Page 122 of Okay, Cupid

“It’s a thing of beauty, though,” Cal continues. “To float endlessly through other people’s lives, to impact them the way that we do. There’s no real reward, and most of the time we never see the benefits of what we’ve done. But that’s not all.”

“Oh?”

“I love how, even if we aren’t there anymore, what we do is never forgotten. The people, they get to remember the feelings that we helped to inspire. They get to bear the fruit of the seeds that we help to plant. Those feelings linger, they last, even when we don’t.”

“What are you saying?”

He sighs deeply. “I’m saying that, even if you and Huy were to forget each other, even if you kissed him, if your memories of each other were stolen … who’s to say those feelings wouldn’t still be there? Who’s to say that the universe—or maybe Cupid magic—didn’t place the two of you together for a reason?”

“You think that’s true?”

Cal laughs softly. “Who knows how our powers work? Richard’s never given me a straight answer in my life.”

“Well, Richard and straight don’t exactly go together.”

Cal ducks his head to hide a laugh. “Stop!”

“I hate that I don’t know what to do,” I tell him.

“I’ve got news for you. I don’t think anyone anywhere actually knows what they’re doing, Jude.”

“What if I make the wrong decision?”

“Life is full of wrong decisions. It was wrong of me to admit my feelings to you, but I still made that choice. Because I felt like it was the right one to make, even if I knew in the moment that it was wrong,” he says to me. And then he laughs. “Besides, you’ll never remember the life you’re leaving behind.”

“I …” I pause. “I never said which choice I was talking about.”

He looks at me. “I know.”

Slowly but surely, his hand finds mine, resting on top.

“Do you think that I’m a bad person?” I ask him.

“No,” Cal says quietly. “You’re not.”

There’s more silence between us, and oddly enough, I don’t want this moment to end, even though I know that it must.

“I love you, Jude.” He says it quietly. “No matter what happens, I’m going to miss you.”

“Cal …” I feel the tears well up in my eyes, and for the first time in days it feels like they’re not because I’m sad. I’d almost forgotten you can cry from being happy. I still don’t know what I’m going to do, what’s going on in my head. I don’t know how to heal the hurt in my heart. I don’t know if I’m going to make the right decision for myself, or if there’s some version of me out there who will regret the choice I make no matter what. But maybe that’s life.

Regret.

Regret and happiness.

I’ve spent sixteen years living for someone else, for some order of people who live for others. No matter what I do, it’s going to make someone angry. Leah might never want to speak to me ever again, and no matter what, I might never get to see Cal. Everything is crumbling around me, but maybe that’s okay. With everything gone, there’s the chance to build something new.

To start living for myself.

Maybe it’s not the right decision. Maybe, in some way or another, I’ll come to regret what I’m going to do.

But it’s my decision to make. No matter what ends up happening, this is my life.

And no one else’s.

“I’m in love with him, Cal.” I say the words slowly, but I know that they’re the truth.

I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.