Page 110 of Okay, Cupid

“Jude, you don’t know what you’re saying. You’re a Cupid. You’re meant to be a Cupid.”

“How do I know that? How do I know that there’s not some better life out there for me? If I were human, I’d get to be happy. I’d get to live my life for myself and not for other people.”

“That’s just not true.”

“Why?”

“Because humans are selfish, they’re cruel, they break one another’s hearts for fun. They let their emotions dictate their actions, they think too deeply with their hearts and not their brains, and that only applies to the humans that actually get out of their own way to allow themselves to experience happiness. You’re not meant to be a human, Jude. And I can’t see how you’d choose that life for yourself.”

“Because then I’d have an inch of freedom!” I tell her. “I’d get to love the person I want.”

“Only because of where we live. That’s not true of all places in this world.”

As if I don’t know that already.

“The life of a human is not an easy one to live,” Leah continues. “It might seem easier from the outside, but they live in pain, in misery. Anxiety and worry. It only seems grander because of where you stand. Do you know how many humans would want to be in the position that you’re in?”

She makes so much sense, and that only makes me feel worse.

Because this life is safe, it’s guaranteed. I will always have a place, I will always be taken care of.

“But I’m not happy,” I tell her.

Her shoulders slump.

“I’m not.” It feels so odd to have the words out of me, finally. To verbalize how I’ve been feeling. “Living this life, it’s shown me what I’ve missed. The experiences. Maybe I’d have my heart broken, maybe I’d be miserable, wish that I’d never done what I had. But maybe I’d be happier, maybe I’d be the happiest I’ve ever been. I could love Huy for a month, for a year, for the rest of my life. I could find someone else, or be alone.”

I hesitate, my breath shaky. I’m proud of myself for not crying.

“But that’s what being human means,” I spit out. “It means taking risks, it means giving your heart away, it means being sad and your friends helping you out of it, it means falling so hard for someone that it hurts even if you’ve never exchanged a single word with them. It means being messy, and ugly, and brutal. And it means being happy, finding the people that you love, that you belong with.”

Leah turns away from me.

I tell her, “I know that you think that humans need us all the time, that they’d be lost without us. But I don’t think that’s true, not anymore.”

“So you’d see us gone? Erase all Cupids?”

“No, I didn’t say that.” I don’t know what I mean, really. “Just that maybe the world could do with one less Cupid.”

“You’re not going to go through with it,” she tells me.

“I haven’t made a decision.”

“There’s not a decision to make. Jude, this is your life. Once you’re human, there’s no going back, there’s no undoing what you did.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing, Leah. That’s the thing! I don’t know what I want.”

“You want to be a Cupid!”

“But is that what I want, or is that just what I’ve been told that I want?”

She pauses. “Have you really not been happy?”

“I don’t know.” I put my hands to my hair, pulling hard. “All I know is that I’ve never felt better than when I’m with him. That I feel …” At home, in a way that I never have before. When I think of Huy, I think of comfort, I think of warmth, I think of home. “Happiness. Not that it matters anymore. I turned him down, it’s over. He probably never wants to see me ever again.”

Leah stands, walking toward me. “You’re young, you’re confused. I’ve been in your shoes before. I’ve been sixteen, in love, wondering if I should give it up for everyone.”

I don’t know what to say to that, how I’m supposed to react.