Page 109 of Okay, Cupid

“Last night, Huy admitted that he has feelings for me,” I say. “And I have feelings for him too.”

Leah closes her eyes, breathing deeply. I can’t blame her. I can guarantee that I’m more trouble than any other Cupid my age. I wonder if she’s ever wished that she’d gotten Cal instead. A kid who knows what he’s doing, who knows the rules, who knows how to set up firm walls to keep humans from getting in.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” I say before I remember those are the exact words that I said to her when I explained what happened to Leo. “I promise you.”

“Jude …” She opens her eyes and sighs again.

She doesn’t know where to begin.

We just had this conversation six months ago, where she explained to me over and over again the dangers of what I’d done, the risk I’d put myself in, the harm I’d done to my future by allowing a human to infect my brain the way that Leo had. I wanted to argue that it didn’t feel like a risk, or an infection. That it felt good to be wanted by someone, to share the moments that Leo and I had together before they were taken away from me.

I don’t know how long we both sit there in complete silence. Somewhere, the house settles, the floorboards creaking, the pipes making a noise as the heating kicks on. I just want this to be over, for her to yell at me and to tell me how much of a disappointment I’ve been. I want her to say that she’s sending me somewhere else, that she doesn’t have the capacity to deal with me anymore.

“I’m sorry,” I say, because I need the silence to be filled, I can’t take it anymore. “I swear I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

“I know.” She still won’t look at me, her voice curt. “But it did happen, and that’s all that matters.”

“I told him that I couldn’t love him back. That it wouldn’t work out.”

“You didn’t give him a reason?” She finally looks at me. And I shake my head. “That’s something, at least.”

“What do I do?”

“Have you erased his memory?”

I shake my head again.

“Do that, before the day is over. As for what happens next …” She stands. “I’m going to call Richard, ask him his opinion. But if it’s left up to me, we’re leaving this city.”

“Leaving?”

“It’s clear that you can’t be trusted.” There it is. A shock registers on her face for a tiniest possible fraction of a second that tells me even she’s surprised by what she’s said. But it’s out there now. “I’m sorry, Jude. But it’s the truth. It’s clear that there’s something that boy … that Leo did to you, and it’s hindering your ability to do your job.”

“But I told Huy that we couldn’t be together, and I didn’t kiss him or anything. It’s done.”

“No, it’s not.” Leah steps closer to me, reaches out to put a hand on my shoulder. “Jude, I love you, and you have such a big heart. But in this line of work that can be such a dangerous thing. This is twice now, in just six months. It’s clear to me that you aren’t ready to be out there, in the field. Not anymore.”

“So what do I do?”

“We’ll go together,” she promises. “And maybe we can explore other options. You could research couples for other Cupids. You could be more administrative, like Richard. There are a lot of roles for Cupids that you could take on.”

“Because I’m a failure.”

“You’re not a failure, Jude, you’re—”

“But I am,” I tell her, feeling the bile rising in the back of my throat. “I failed at this, and I’ve been a failure for a long time. Whatever edge I used to have, I lost it. And I don’t like what that means for me.”

“Jude, you’re not making any sense.”

I stand up, tucking my hands under my armpits because that’s where they belong. I can’t tolerate the idea of them just hanging there awkwardly anymore.

“What if I don’t want this life?” I tell her.

I’m not really prepared to say it, and she’s clearly not prepared to hear it.

“What does that mean?” she asks.

“What if I’m tired of the rules of being a Cupid? What if I’ve liked pretending to be a normal teenager for the last month? What if I’ve liked having friends? Hanging out with them, going to school, doing homework! And having these feelings for Huy. It feels natural. It feels good.” I finally take a breath. “The only reason it felt wrong to love him was because I’m living a life that I never agreed to live. Because I’m not human.”