Page 103 of Okay, Cupid

“Why not?”

“Because …”

Because I want you.

I want to kiss you.

Because I want to ruin my entire life for some boy who I’ve known for days.

Because I want more than anything to say the words back to you, to take your cheeks in my hand, to taste the gloss on your lips and feel your hands on my body.

I want that so bad it scares me.

“I can’t let you love me,” I tell him.

“What does that mean?”

“It means what it means. You can’t fall in love with me. That’s not how this was supposed to go. I’m not the one that you fall in love with.”

He only looks more confused. “How was it supposed to go?” There’s a clear frustration in his voice.

“Alice. You’re supposed to be with Alice!”

“Jude, you’re not making any sense.”

“You’re not in love with me, Huy.” As if I can salvage this moment, convince him that his feelings for me are simply misguided, that if he just directed them toward Alice he’d be so much happier.

If Huy is in love with me, and not Alice, that means this was a waste of time.

It was for nothing.

The pain, the anxiety, the panic, the thrill, the excitement, the joy.

Everything.

All for nothing.

“Please don’t tell me how I feel,” he pleads. “It’s one thing for you to not return these feelings, but I know what they are, Jude. It’s fine if you don’t like me back, but you’re being mean.”

Good. Maybe I can convince you that I’m not worth it. That I’m not worth anything at all.

“You don’t love me, Huy. You can’t love me, and I can’t love you.”

“Can you at least look at me?”

I realize that I haven’t been looking at him. For good reason. Because when my eyes meet his, I see the tears welling up.

I did this. I hurt him. And I wish it felt good, because that would bring an end to all of this. But it just makes me want to die, to know that I caused this, to know that his heart aches because I can’t be someone who we both want me to be.

I want to kiss him; I want to be with him, to hold his hand. I want a future with him, to go to the same college, to find our lives together, to get married, adopt, grow old, and die with him. I want Huy Trinh more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.

Which is exactly why I can’t have him.

“No.” I pause. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“Okay.” He slumps onto the log, and then he starts to laugh. And all I can do is stare at him, wondering just what comes next. “I’m sorry.”

I don’t want him to be. Because nothing about this situation is his fault. The only thing he did was love, and that’s never a crime.