Page 136 of Mia

“I think you’re going through another bout of depression, and the stress is making it harder for you. I think it would benefit you to take some time away so you can relax and recenter, Mia. You’ve been through so much mentally, emotionally, and physically. Just from our talks you’ve been in fight-or-flight mode and haven’t had time to really just be free.”

I nodded. “In another lifetime, I would have taken off and gone on a vacation.”

“Maybe that’s what you need. If that makes you feel like you again, I say go for it. Of course, let your family know where you are, but take the time for yourself.”

“Is it okay if Titan comes with me?”

“Of course. I think it will benefit you both. I can’t tell you what he and I discuss separately, but I will say you share a lot of the same feelings. Both of you just don’t want to hurt the other by bringing it up. That’s growth. You’re more considerate of each other’s feelings, and I love that for you. Go home, have a conversation with your husband, and book your trip.”

I heaved a heavy sigh. Maybe a trip was exactly what I needed.

My session ended, and Bleu and I headed home after I stopped to get her a pup cup. When I got there, Titan’s truck was in the yard, so I knew he was home. He’d scaled back on missions for my grandfather after Paris, stating he just needed a little break.

Since being home, he’d kept himself busy by working with his hands and upgrading shit around the house. The man bought a pickup truck just to haul all of his materials. When he told me he and his dad were going to pick up some materials from the hardware store, I wasn’t expecting him to come back with a brand new Ford F-550.

Currently, he was building a man cave in the backyard. I’d watched him and his father map out the entire build while smoking cigars like two old men. I knew he was handy, but not building a shed handy. When I walked into the kitchen, I could see him out there, shirtless, the sun glistening against his skin. I grabbed a bottle of cold water and headed out back.

His head turned in my direction as the back sliding door opened, and he gave me a soft smile.

“Hey, mamas,” he said as I approached him.

“Hey.”

Leaning in, he pecked my lips a few times before taking the water from me and twisting off the cap.

“Thank you.”

“This is coming along,” I said, noting the structure.

“Slight work. How was your session?”

“It was okay. Can we talk?”

“Of course.”

He grabbed my hand and led me over to the lounge chairs on the covered deck. Once he was seated, he pulled me to straddle his lap.

“What’s up?”

“I need to be honest about something.”

He slowly sipped the water. “Okay. Talk to me.”

“I’ve um… I haven’t been feeling like myself.” I sighed heavily. “I’ve been walking around here like I’m okay, but I’m dying inside right now. With all these new babies, my heart has been so heavy, Titan.”

It was his turn to sigh. “Mine too. I didn’t want to say anything because it feels selfish as fuck. I’m happy for everybody, but I ain’t gon lie and say the shit doesn’t hurt. Every time I hold one of the new babies, my chest tightens. I love them, but this shit is hard.”

It was quiet between us as we sat in the reality of what we’d revealed. Did it make us bad people or just human? I wouldn’t feel right uttering these words to my family. They already had it in their heads that I was a selfish individual… at least at one point. Even if my feelings were valid, it looked bad. I couldn’t rain on their happiness by being a Debbie Downer.

“I’d be getting ready to have her around this time,” I whispered. “And now, we’re having trouble getting pregnant. It’s like reality is slapping me in the face. What if she was our only chance at being parents?”

He shook his head. “We can’t think like that. I don’t accept that, and neither will you.”

“But—”

“We’re gonna have a baby. A bunch of them. Hell, we might pass Senior and Smoke.”

“Slow your roll there,” I said, covering his mouth.