Page 135 of Mia

She nodded and heaved a heavy sigh. For five painstaking minutes, we waited for the results. When the timer went off, our gazes met, and neither of us moved at first.

“You look,” she said, rubbing her hands together.

I stood from the tub and walked over to the counter. Picking up the test, I read the results. My heart sank a little when it read negative. I didn’t realize until that moment just how much I wanted it to be positive. I looked over at Mia and shook my head.

Her shoulders dropped, and sadness plagued her beautiful face. “Okay.”

Pulling her into my arms, I kissed her forehead.

“Maybe not this time, but our time is coming. Look at it this way, we get to keep trying. That’s the fun part.” I kissed her neck. “We can start right now.”

“Can you just hold me for a second?”

I answered her by picking her up and wrapping her legs around my waist. She locked her arms around my neck and held on to me tightly. Her shoulders lightly shook as she sniffled in my ear.

I hated this for us.

There was no telling how long it would take for us to conceive. The doctors warned us that there might be complications with that moving forward, but said all hope wasn’t lost. However long it took, I was gonna be right here.

SOME TIME LATER…

“Are you with me today, Mia?” Dr. Baxter asked.

I’d zoned out and hadn’t realized she was talking to me until Bleu nudged my chin. My eyes blinked rapidly as I refocused my attention and found Dr. Baxter staring at me.

Today was my solo session with her. I wasn’t feeling like myself and hadn’t been for days now.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“What’s going on? You’re here physically, but mentally you’re somewhere else.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just not myself.”

“Talk to me about that. Why are you feeling?”

“Low energy. Sadness… regret, anger… a little jealousy.”

“Are you feeling depressed?”

“Yes. And I’ve been masking it so my family doesn’t know. Around people, I’m the epitome of holding it together, but when I’m alone, I’m falling the fuck apart. I’m exhausted, Dr. Baxter.”

“Did something happen to bring on these feelings?”

I looked down at my hands, feeling embarrassed for even having these feelings.

“A lot has been weighing on me since I first came back from Paris. Life has been moving for everybody in the months that followed, but part of me still feels stuck. A while back, Kerrion and one of my other brothers announced their pregnancy and Kerrion got engaged. I’m happy for them, but I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous because that was yet another person in my circle who is having a baby not long after I lost mine. I was slightly okay until after the last trip to Paris. My sister had her baby two months ago, and my sister-in-law just had hers.”

Shar had given birth to Charm Amour Dillinger last week. She was a beautiful chocolate baby, looking every bit of her mother. Seeing her affected me more than I could have fathomed it would. While I was happy for Shar and Maceo, she was a reminder of the daughter I lost.

I wasn’t sure how I managed to keep it together in the hospital, but the moment I got home, I broke down. I’d broken down after Steel’s proposal the other month too. Even on the beautiful island of Santo Domingo, surrounded by our beautiful family, sharing a beautiful moment, all I felt was sadness.

“Part of me feels so empty, Dr. Baxter. Titan and I have been trying to get pregnant, and it’s just not happening. I know the doctor said it could be complications, but it’s really hitting me that I may never be able to have kids.”

Dr. Baxter gave me a sympathetic nod. “I imagine that is frustrating for you.”

“It is.” I gave a frustrated laugh. “God, it’s like I didn’t even want kids until I got pregnant. Then I lost my baby in the most traumatic way possible. Now when I’m ready, it’s a struggle. It’s just so unfair.”

I broke into tears as I sat there. Dr. Baxter stood from her seat and came to sit next to me. Grabbing some tissues, she dabbed my eyes and rubbed my back.