Page 71 of Wilde Hearts

Looking back out over the landscape, he went on. “I love my father, but he couldn’t see past his own dreams for his sons. There was a time after I left when I was so angry with him. I mean, I was pissed off that he’d compared Grady to me, and I wanted to blame him for Grady’s death. Anything to take the guilt off my own back.”

I closed my eyes to keep the tears at bay. When I felt my self-control come back to me, I softly said, “Your father did blame himself for Grady’s death. I think because of that conversation you overheard. Actually…I don’t think. I know. Because he told me once.”

Colt’s head snapped around to look at me. “What?”

I nodded. “One of his clients called me and asked if I’d heard from him. He was supposed to have shown up that morning to shoe a few of his horses. I offered to do it, figuring Jacob was dealing with his grief. Afterward, I headed to your place and found him in the barn, on the floor of his office. He must have been drinking straight through the night. I managed to help him get up and get to the house. Your mother was out that morning, so I put him on the sofa and made him some coffee. When I brought him a cup, his head was back on the cushions. I thought he’d fallen asleep.”

I drew in a breath and went on. “He wasn’t asleep; he was crying. Sobbing, actually. He told me it was his fault that Grady took his life. He told me he’d had a heart-to-heart with him and he might have gone too far. He didn’t tell me anything else, just that the talk was shortly before…”

My voice trailed off as I waited once again to get control of my emotions. Colt was still watching me intently.

“He said he didn’t tell your mother about the conversation, and that he couldn’t because she’d blame him. I told him that I didn’t think that would ever happen, but he still insisted it was his fault. He also mentioned you that morning.”

“What did he say?” Colt asked, looking at me with worry in his eyes.

“He thought he was the reason you left.”

Colt’s eyes went wide. “Why would he think that?”

I shrugged. “He didn’t tell me. He passed out after that, and I lay him down and covered him up. He never once brought up the conversation again. As a matter of fact, he never talked about Grady much after that at all. When I stopped asking about you, your mother and father stopped talking about you both.” She shook her head. “Looking back on it now, I believe we all handled things poorly.”

He sighed and dropped his head back against the swing. “Clearly, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. God. I don’t know how we all would have handled that. It’s not like there’s a manual that tells anyone how to process something as traumatic as this.”

“Exactly, Colt. You have to stop beating yourself up.”

His brows raised. “You’re telling me this? After what I did to you?”

I let out a soft laugh. “I guess I am. I’ve already told you what your leaving did to me, but now you’re back. Just like you need to let go of the guilt, I need to let go of the anger. I want to let it go. I need to let it go…and if I’m being honest, I’m so damn happy you’re back, Colt.”

Those honey-colored eyes met my blue. The sadness in them nearly caused me to weep.

“You are?”

I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and looked out at the darkening night sky. “There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about you. Wondered what you were doing, who you were with? Had you fallen in love with anyone, and was that why you weren’t coming home? Some days, I swore I’d go insane thinking about it. Then my sister and brother got married, and I found out they were having babies, and all I could think about was how that should’ve been me. If only you’d stayed…”

“Pippa—”

I held up my hand. “Let me get all this out, Colt, before my parents join us.”

He nodded.

“I was about to have a baby on my own.”

His head drew back in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“IVF. I’d already done the research, and I’d been saving up money because it’s not cheap.”

He frowned. “Who was going to be the sperm donor?”

I shrugged. “I hadn’t gotten that far yet. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I obviously couldn’t move on with anyone else, because I was still in love with you. So I was preparing to move forward alone.”

“I’ll never stop loving you, Pippa. Like my note said. I hope you believe that.”

I chewed on my lower lip before letting it go. “You hurt me badly, Colt.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “And I swear, if you give me another chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Showing you how much I love you.”

“I want to start over. Like I said before. I want to go on a date…well, more than one date.”