Page 187 of The Mistress of All & Torn

And most of all, she expected the man who had tortured her thoughts for more than two years to certainly be in attendance.

Elizabeth knew she would have to meet him again eventually. She could not stay away forever, and the close relationship between their families would surely bring them together again one day. But was she ready?

“I am not ready yet,” she admitted out loud, blushing at the others’ astonished gazes.

“You should come, dearest,” Jane repeated gently. “You will be among friends who love you dearly. Please!”

“My dear sister,” Bingley interjected, “I would do anything for your comfort if you would only come. We have missed your presence since Philip…”

“Yes, I know… There is no need to plead any more with me,” Elizabeth said. “I am always happy to be with you, please do not doubt that. I cannot possibly miss your birthday, so I shall come.”

“Will you? How wonderful! The colonel and Darcy will be thrilled too I am sure, since they have not seen you in a long time!” Bingley exclaimed, while Elizabeth tried to breathe. Panic had surrounded her like a cage that left her no escape.

The same day, Darcy sent his card to Lady Kendal announcing his presence in town. Elizabeth knew he intended to warn her and allow her to decide whether she wished to see him or not. Her heart pounded, but she did not know whether she desired or dreaded such a moment.

Chapter 23

The final discussions with the solicitors were successful, and the orphanage was to be opened after the New Year. Elizabeth was busy thinking of the teachers, the attendants, and the managers needed for the proper functioning of the place. It gave her peace and satisfaction to fight her turmoil in the present with plans for the future.

The night of the Bingleys’ party arrived, and Elizabeth found herself preparing with a heavy heart. Her sisters were entertaining themselves with Lady Kendal, and she could hear their joyful voices. She glanced at her image in the mirror; she looked ill, pale and thin—nobody could find her more than tolerable, she mused, while amusement tickled her. It seemed a lifetime had passed since that evening at the Meryton assembly when she had first met Darcy, three years ago. Was it only three years? Lady Kendal was right, she had to admit, there was little of the old Lizzy Bennet in the pale woman that stared at her from the mirror.

Eventually, Elizabeth was ready, and the family entered the carriage.

In front of the Bingley house, she stopped and waited, disquieted by the sound of voices coming through the open windows. Although she was acquainted with everyone in attendance and the house was very familiar to her, she felt reluctant to enter. It was the first large gathering she would attend in a long while, so she stepped inside hesitantly.

The large drawing-room was filled with people: the Hursts; Bingley’s sister Caroline and her husband, Mr Pemberton, with his sister Abigail; Anne and Colonel Fitzwilliam, with his brother, the viscount, and his wife Eleanor; the Gardiners; and—of course—Georgiana and Darcy.

At their entrance, everyone fell silent and turned to watch them. Elizabeth waited in the doorway, holding Lady Kendal’s arm until all the others had exchanged greetings. Jane and Georgiana were the first to approach and embrace them, then Bingley came to offer his arm to lead them into the room.

Some pleasantries were exchanged and all the gentlemen bowed to Elizabeth and her grandmother. Darcy was the last to do so, standing still, his countenance severe and his face slightly tanned yet thinner. Elizabeth’s eyes met his for a single, ardent heartbeat, and both paled.

“Lady Kendal, Lady Alveston. What a pleasure to see you. You are in good health, I hope?”

“Mr Darcy,” Elizabeth whispered.

“Mr Darcy, we are delighted to meet you again,” Lady Kendal replied. “Where have you been, sir? We have asked about you many times!”

“Thank you, your ladyship. I did not want to intrude with inconvenient visits, but please know I am always here to assist you when you need me.”

“We did not need you, sir, but you have been missed. We have come to consider you a close friend, just like Charles or your cousin, the colonel.”

“Your ladyship is too kind. My thoughts and my sympathy have always been with you, I assure you,” he said, glancing one more time at Elizabeth.

“We received your kind letter of condolences,” she interjected in a low voice.

“Words are insufficient on such painful occasions,” he replied, tilting his head slightly.

Elizabeth held his gaze only for a moment longer, before her strength suddenly weakened and she sat down on a sofa, next to her grandmother. Georgiana and Anne joined her, while Darcy stepped back. Minutes later, Elizabeth saw him talking to her uncle, and breathed in relief as she had reason to steal several more looks in that direction.

Small groups were formed, and multiple discussions started, but Elizabeth answered mostly absently. Her attention and her interest lay in Darcy only, and all her glances ran towards him.

Bearing so much noise and activity after such a long, silent solitude was too much—as it was too much to see Darcy again so close to her, and to realise that, despite the demands of her mind over her heart, she had belonged to him all this time. She yearned to watch his handsome features, his dark eyes, to hear his hoarse voice, to feel his warmth, his caresses. Her longing for him was stronger than she had imagined and soon became overwhelming.

Suddenly panicked, she felt she could not breathe, so she rose from her seat and moved to the open window, rejoicing in the cool breeze. Lady Kendal and everyone else looked comfortable and entertained, and the party was a success. Except for her. She should not have come—or she should leave before she affected her friends.

While she tried to regain some composure, Elizabeth sighed when her eyes met Darcy’s again. From a far corner of the room, seemingly engaged in conversation, he observed her distress and understood.

Slowly, he walked towards her. She watched him, mesmerised, wishing to run but unable to move. Eventually, he was only a step away. His eyes lingered on her face, then he bowed and whispered, “Lady Alveston, I would gladly leave if it would put you at ease. I could find a reason to excuse myself. Just let me know what you wish me to do.”