Page 186 of The Mistress of All & Torn

“I am glad to see you so excited, my darling. I have missed seeing the sparkle of joy in your eyes, Elizabeth. And whilst I am grateful for your affection towards my grandson and your sorrow for his lost life, I believe it is time for you to live yours.”

“Lady Kendal, I do live my life as I feel is appropriate.”

“I must disagree, my dear. I remember when we first met you, and even though not even two years have passed, I recognise very few of Miss Bennet’s traits in Lady Alveston.”

“They are still there, I assure you,” Elizabeth attempted a poor joke.

“Perhaps hidden under the black mourning clothes. My dear girl, I am grateful to see you mourning Philip so heartily, but it has been almost four months now. I would like to see you smile from time to time.”

“I shall mourn Philip’s loss my entire life, just as you will, Lady Kendal. And I will smile when I feel the desire to do so,” Elizabeth answered.

“You gave Philip so much while he was alive, Elizabeth! He does not need more sacrifice on your part now that he is dead, and he would certainly not wish it.”

“Please understand that it is no sacrifice, only how I feel at this moment. Let us speak more of the orphanage, shall we?”

“As you wish, my dear. By the way, what would you say to hosting a large formal dinner sometime soon? We shall invite only your sisters, your uncle and aunt, the Fitzwilliams, and the Darcys. A handful of people.”

With thrill and nervousness, Elizabeth struggled to reply. She had heard that Darcy had left town again at the end of August, and had hoped to hear news of him, but did not dare ask Georgiana or even Bingley. She missed him, and equally feared and longed for a chance to see him.

Whilst she had no doubts about her feelings for him—which had returned to life stronger and deeper than ever—she could not be certain of his. The passing of so many months and the deep turmoil he had likely experienced, as she had, could have affected him differently from her—and she feared to discover in what way.

The only barrier that had kept them apart—her promise and loyalty towards Philip—had fallen, but that did not necessarily open the path that could bring them together, nor make it smoother.

How could she see him again, be near him again? What could she say to him that would not betray Philip’s memory nor offend Darcy’s feelings or her own? Did he still love her, or would he feel obliged by their night of passion to reconcile with her if she suggested it? Or perhaps he pitied her like everyone else? Could she ever feel again the same burning passion as she had that night on the beach? Could she allow herself to feel such delight again? Did his ardent love for her still exist? Such thoughts tormented her, adding to her grief, making her feel ashamed, disloyal, and shallow.

Even though she knew her affection and sorrow for her lost husband to be genuine and strong, more than once she questioned her honesty, wondering whether she was refusing to return to society just to avoid meeting Darcy and confronting the reality of his present feelings for her. Her memories—both hurtful and happy—as well as the dark mourning clothes, kept her safe from more suffering. But, fearful or not, she had to accept the risk of fully embracing life.

“If your ladyship wishes to host a dinner party with family and friends, I would not oppose it,” Elizabeth eventually replied to the lady who was observing her long silence with puzzlement and obvious concern.

“Excellent. I suggest we hold it in a fortnight, if that is acceptable to everyone.”

“I believe in a fortnight would be perfect,” Elizabeth concluded, suddenly feeling cold.

Later in the afternoon, Elizabeth was having a cup of tea with Lady Kendal when, without much formality, the door was pushed open and the Bingleys entered, carrying their beautiful and joyous son and accompanied by Kitty and Mary. Young Andrew was the lively image of his mother’s beauty, and his amiable nature mirrored his father’s.

Behind them were the Gardiners and their children, who hurried to embrace Elizabeth and Lady Kendal. Andrew claimed the same favour, stretching his hands out to them and then babbling happily in his aunt’s arms.

“What a lovely surprise! What are you all doing here?” Elizabeth asked.

“Lady Kendal knew we would come—we would not have dared to simply barge in,” Mrs Gardiner answered, and Lady Kendal nodded in approval.

“We are taking a ride in Hyde Park—it is truly a splendid day. Will you not join us?” Jane pleaded. “We shall meet Georgiana and Anne too.”

“Mr Gardiner and I are going to meet Darcy and the colonel. Darcy returned to town just yesterday,” Bingley added, and Elizabeth’s heart skipped a beat.

“I cannot come, I am meeting one of our solicitors in two hours.”

“We could postpone the meeting, my dear,” Lady Kendal offered.

“I would rather not,” she said. “We should discuss the final details about the orphanage.”

“But you must come to dinner on Saturday—I shall not accept a refusal,” Jane said decidedly. “Charles is celebrating his twenty-fifth birthday. All our relatives and friends will be there and it would not be the same without you!”

Elizabeth shuddered and kept her eyes down, but Lady Kendal was quick to answer.

“We will be there. We cannot disappoint you. We will be there, will we not, my dear?”

Elizabeth hesitated, imagining a large party that included some of the people she had been trying to avoid.