Page 143 of The Mistress of All & Torn

“Dear Lizzy, do you remember last year when Lydia was crying that she wished to go to Brighton? And Mama insisted how beneficial sea bathing would be for her? It seems so long ago! And now we are all going together. I hope Lydia will forget her previous disappointment and will enjoy her time.”

“I do remember,” Elizabeth said. She did remember but with a grip on her heart. Jane had inadvertently reminded her of her most distressing memory, one she had not and could not share with anybody. “I have not seen our family in six months. I miss them dearly.”

“So do I,” Jane said. “It is fortunate that Lady Kendal invited them to spend the whole summer in Brighton.”

“I would have invited your family anyway,” Bingley said. “Please do not doubt that anything you wish for your family, I would be happy to provide.”

“Oh, I know that, my love.” Jane kissed his cheek, hurrying to reassure him. “I did not mean to imply you would not. I only mentioned Lady Kendal’s generosity in renting an entire house for our family.”

“They could have stayed with us,” Bingley insisted.

“Of course they could. But you and Jane should enjoy as much privacy as possible. And Jane requires much rest,” Elizabeth interjected. “Sea bathing, a gentle breeze, salty fresh air, and rest for the soon-to-be mother.”

Jane blushed and Bingley kissed her hand. “I certainly hope so. You know, Lizzy, I spoke to Georgiana. She promised she would send word when they arrived. Colonel Fitzwilliam will accompany them.”

“I hope the colonel will improve Darcy’s disposition. I worry about him,” Bingley said. “At times, I wonder if he is ill.”

“I have not been in Mr Darcy’s company much, but he did not seem ill—thank God,” Elizabeth said. She would not venture to speculate the reason for his poor disposition, not even to herself.

“I do not believe he is happy about his engagement either,” Bingley continued. “I say, people should not marry for any reason but love. Nothing can compare with felicity in marriage.”

“I heartily agree with you, dear brother,” Elizabeth said. “They should not—but they do. Some for better reasons, others for worse. Those of us who do not possess your sweet nature and your gentle temper cannot hope for your kind of felicity. So we can only reach a compromise and hope for a good balance, to make our lives worthy.”

“Oh dear, Lizzy… You always said you wished to marry for the deepest love!” Jane said. “It pains me to see you have abandoned your desires.”

Elizabeth immediately became serious. “Jane dearest, I shall only tell you one more time. I do love Philip. And his mother. I agreed to marry him out of affection and tenderness. Perhaps this is not how I imagined my marriage, but if I did not appreciate and care deeply for him, I would not have agreed to marry him.”

“But Lizzy, is this the sort of love you had in mind when we spoke? Do you think of him all the time? Do you wish for him to touch your hand and do you pray for him to kiss you? Do you feel shivers when you see him? Do you feel small butterflies in your stomach when you think of him? This is what I feel for Charles, so I know this must be true love,” Jane said passionately, flustered by embarrassment but daring in her confession. Bingley gazed at her, his affection glowing in his eyes.

The grip tightened in Elizabeth’s chest, and she tried to avert her eyes so her sister would not see the tears welling. “No, it is not the sort of love that you describe, dearest Jane. But it is the only one I can hope for. And Philip is an excellent man—one of the best I have ever met. I know he loves me and I care for him deeply. I have no reason to complain about my decision, and I am content to know it will bring happiness to so many people. Let us not discuss this any longer.”

“Oh, Lizzy…” Jane whispered.

“I am astonished to see you and Darcy, two of the brightest people I know, making the same sort of mistake. What on earth has come over you? You are both choosing a course to please others. And I believe it is a misstep. I cannot understand why neither of you can see the obvious.”

“Charles, I do not know what induced Mr Darcy’s engagement to Miss de Bourgh, but surely you know my reasons and you know my decision is justified and well-considered. Let us stop arguing about what cannot be changed and enjoy this journey.”

“Very well. Forgive me,” Bingley agreed, kissing her hand in apology.

“You must know how much we love you, Lizzy,” Jane added.

“I do know. And I am truly grateful to have such a sister and brother.”

The discussion had added to her sorrow and deepened her regrets. She did dream of and wish to have a marriage like her sister’s. And perhaps she could have had it, if she had not been so hasty in rejecting the man who ardently loved and admired her. If only she could have had the patience to know him better before judging and reprimanding him. If only she had not thrown away his hand and his heart when he had offered them to her.

Now she had to do what was best for everyone—considering the circumstances. She would likely never know the taste of ardent love, nor ever pray for a man to kiss her as Jane had said.

But she hoped to have a marriage in which everybody would be content.

Chapter 11

“My dear Lizzy, this is the best summer of my life,” Mrs Bennet said. “Even Lady Lucas was astonished! She said she could not recall anybody from Meryton had ever spent three months in Brighton!”

Their reunion with the Bennet family turned into hours of rousing discussions.

Jane was complimented for her beauty and soon-expected heir, but the majority of the attention was on Elizabeth. The notion that they would have a titled member of their family with a wealth they could barely comprehend, overwhelmed Mrs Bennet.

“Oh Lizzy, this house is perfect!” Lydia cried. “Such a beautiful view of the sea and so close to the main road and the shops! We can go for walks or shopping whenever we please! I wonder if there are any officers here. There must be. There must be regiments camped in Brighton for the summer!”