Page 131 of The Mistress of All & Torn

“I do not know what to say…”

“Elizabeth, please be honest with me. Is there any chance you had other marriage plans? Is your reluctance due to your hope of marrying another man?”

“No. On that, you must not worry. I have no hopes nor plans of marrying someone else.” She was being honest. There was only one man with whom she could think of marital bliss. She had learned that truth slowly and painfully in his absence, after she had misjudged him so profoundly in his presence. But she had understood too late. She had rejected his ardent love and admiration and offended him most horribly. He would never see her again. And even if he would, he was engaged to be married to another.

“No, your ladyship, my marriage to Philip would not interfere with any other marital plans. I already told you that the first evening we met, but you must have taken it in jest.” Elizabeth tried to mock her own distress.

“Good. Philip will be as relieved as I am. We did not dare address this matter to you sooner, as he worried you might feel forced to accept it even against your will. Since both he and I seem to be losing our strength, I fear we might not have time to wait much longer.”

“I understand that. But everything is so sudden. I wish to properly understand what this might mean.”

“My dear Elizabeth, I do not expect an answer now. Please consider it carefully. Talk to your family. Look for advice from your father. And let me know any concerns you might have. We shall make any settlement to satisfy all your wishes. It will be a complete change from your present life and,” she embraced Elizabeth, “it would bring you many advantages and even more responsibilities. But mostly, you would be helping me, Philip, and so many others that you do not even know yet,” her ladyship said with motherly tenderness.

∞∞∞

Soon afterwards, Elizabeth left Lady Kendal’s house in a state of complete bewilderment. Walking to the carriage, she stared absently at all the people who seemed to be enjoying the winter weather without any apparent concern.

Lady Kendal’s request was extraordinary, and the expectations from her overwhelming.

The idea of marrying Lord Alveston was implausible and preposterous. They had grown to be good friends, and Elizabeth was happy to put her time and her strength into helping him. His company gave her pleasure and his wellbeing had become her primary preoccupation. She felt a kinship to him of care and affection, and to Lady Kendal of deference and admiration.

She would not hesitate to take on any responsibility to help them, but to unite herself to Philip Russell, Lord Alveston, in front of God was a notion that gripped her heart.

It would be the third marriage proposal she would refuse. She had dismissed the first two in the blink of an eye. When it came to the second one her pride, her haste in judging the man, and her lack of consideration in expressing her refusal had built inside her a remorse and guilt that had never disappeared. She would never repeat that mistake. She would never throw out a precipitate response to a question that could affect the lives of so many.

Therefore, she discussed the matter with Jane for an entire night. Then, with her aunt and uncle, and eventually wrote to her father.

She never received any clear advice. Each of them was obviously impressed by the idea of her being the wife of an earl and the heiress of a magnificent fortune. But none of her trusted relatives insisted she accept either.

Things were pondered and considered. Still, the burden of the final decision fell on Elizabeth.

Marriages among illustrious people were often arranged, and many husbands were far from Lord Alveston’s worthiness. His affliction did not affect Elizabeth in the slightest. The question was, should she enter into a marriage with a man she felt great affection for but not the kind of love that she imagined she should feel for her husband?

Could she promise herself to a man when her thoughts were for another? But since any reasonable chance of renewing her friendship with Darcy had vanished, since she expected him to wed another, did she have any reason to refuse Lady Kendal’s proposal? Could she dismiss a plan that would bring so much relief and even joy to Lord Alveston and Lady Kendal and would secure her family’s future? Could she afford to refuse it? Did she have the right? What of all the people whose chances for a better life would be unsatisfied if Lady Kendal’s support was no longer available?

They had fixed their hopes on her—could she disappoint them?

Two weeks later, she shared her decision with her family then offered Lady Kendal and Lord Alveston the answer they had long hoped for.

Chapter 7

The days following the ball were wrought with turmoil for Elizabeth. For the rest of London, the engagement became the main subject of gossip and speculation.

Her meeting with Darcy had been disconcerting beyond anything she had imagined. His surprise at seeing her, his astonishment at the news of her engagement, his distraught countenance, the despair in his voice when he confessed that he did not hate her—all those things were painfully vivid in her memory. Days later, the clarity of the recollections had not faded. Only the nature of her feelings for Darcy—now always in her thoughts—was blurred, more unsure, more distressing. Her feelings for him had changed so many times, so drastically since they had first met, but one thing remained: they were always strong and deep, be they hatred, disdain, admiration, regret, or any other emotion. Always strong, always deep. And any effort to keep her thoughts away from him had failed.

Georgiana and Anne sent her a letter expressing their delight to see her and inviting her to join them for tea. However, she apologised and declined, pretending she was too busy. Instead, Jane invited both ladies for tea and they accepted. In Bingley’s house, Elizabeth felt safe enough and she joined them, spending a most pleasant afternoon together.

Just as before, Elizabeth felt no jealousy or grudge against Anne. Quite the contrary. Since she had no clear intentions or hopes regarding the future of her acquaintance with Darcy, she did not consider Anne an obstacle of any sort.

Elizabeth still prayed that there would be a chance for her and Darcy to gain enough composure and peace that they could consider each other friends. Time might heal their wounds, as painful as they may be. Or so she hoped.

Darcy seemed of a different opinion. Just as she avoided meeting with Georgiana and Anne after the ball, he avoided everyone—including Bingley. They met on the second day after the ball at their club, and Bingley reported that Darcy was happy to see him. However, he declined any future entertainments as he declared they were all to leave town in a week. Still, he renewed the invitation for Bingley and his wife to visit them at Pemberley in late August. It was Bingley’s turn to refuse though, as by that time Jane would be in no position to travel such a distance.

With that, each family returned to their own struggles and plans. A special licence had already been acquired for Elizabeth and Lord Alveston. The solicitors were working on a long and detailed settlement that clearly stated Elizabeth’s benefits and responsibilities.

Since time was short, it was universally agreed that the wedding would take place by the end of the summer, as soon as the family returned to London.

Elizabeth agreed with whatever Lady Kendal suggested. To her, the conversation regarding the wedding had become even more upsetting. She fought her own torment, trying to convince herself all was well. She had made a promise and given her word. There was nothing to be done in that regard. But against her heart, she could not win the argument.