Page 416 of Call Me Baby 2: Side B

Seeing him like this,

I don’t know whose are meaner.

When he looks back at me,

terror scars his face.

“Allison, I’m so sorry,” he cries,

safeword and apology at once,

and I hate him.

I hate that he’s here.

I hate that he’s looking at me.

I hate that he used his safeword

and I never did with him.

I hate that I hurt myself just to keep him.

I hate that I want nothing to do with him anymore, and that makes me hate myself the most.

And suddenly,

all this rage builds up inside me,

and I launch at him.

I shove him off the bed hard—so fucking hard he’s airborne for a split second—before he’s crashing into the black marble.

It’s a violent explosion, a sickening rush,

my anger tearing through me,

ripping me apart.

All these emotions rain down inside me like acid. I want to scream them out until my lungs collapse,

until there’s nothing left of me.

I want him to feel it all.

And I want him to break with me.

The scream rips through my throat

as if the world might somehow hear it,

as if someone might come save me.

But who am I kidding?

I’ve been crying out through every song,

and no one’s listening.