Page 415 of Call Me Baby 2: Side B

all over again,

ropes, straps, chains, spreader bars,

muscles pulled tight

as I’m being fucked.

By Ben.

By Cooper.

By Hunter.

Me crying, body shaking.

Me begging with a face full of hot tears.

Me never knowing sex to be anything more than this: you’re either the one in control, or the one getting fucked.

And now, here I am. On the other side.

The irony’s bitter,

and so is the laugh that leaves me.

“Ben, Ben, Ben… So completely helpless,

“so weak, and so fuckin’ pathetic.”

A sick part of me drinks in the sight of him. The rest of me wants to puke.

I have this boxer on all fours with tears in his eyes, this man who’s twice the size of me. This man who could overpower me, who could throw me through this window.

But it’s also disgusting,

to be anything like him,

to be anything like the others.

These two feelings collide in my chest,

making my heart feel

like a sledgehammer each time it beats.

‘Cause now Ben’s shaking, scared.

Like how I was shaking.

How I was scared.

Then he breaks formation

and falls back on his knees.

Panic washes over him,

and he’s gasping for a breath, as if he has his own demons to hide from.