Page 233 of Own It

“Now, Ayan, can you forgive your brother for making you feel soft? For being angry that you didn’t join him in his efforts to save your mother?” She looked to Ayan.

“I can so long as he don’t feel that way anymore.”

“I don’t,” I informed. “I don’t.”

Suddenly, I felt like shit for talking down on that nigga about it, even in adulthood. I guess because I was his same age at the time, I didn’t see him as a child. I was terrified of Nate, too, but my want to protect my mother outweighed my fear.

Even now, that was my problem, according to Dr. Meyers. My willingness to protect eclipsed my fear and safety. And though I didn’t regret kidnapping my lady, I didn’t give a fuck about the repercussions, so long as I saved Talid and got a minute of her time to myself.

“Great. Now we have to work on trust. Ayan explained he trusts you, but we know you don’t trust him, Rakim, and for good reason. You explained it is because he was always on you guys’ father’s side. Well, now he is saying that hold Mr. Godfrey had on him is no longer. Does that mean anything to you?”

“It does.” I nodded. “But it ain’t gon’ happen overnight—trust. This is a nigga who meant me no good and hated me for longer than we’ve been cool.”

“I have. You right. I’ve been envious of my brother since I was a kid, especially because our father would always remind me how he was better. He got better grades, was better in sports at school, even little league shit, and hearing about that constantly from my father, who belittled me over it, caused the jealousy to fester and metastasize from being thoughts in my head to my reality.

“So I started working overtime to show that I could do shit better or that I was better.” He shrugged as if he wasn’t sure, shaking his head at himself. “Add to that my fear of Nate, and I became this envious ass, evil person, just like him. And as Rah started to make mistakes like losing his career and going to prison, it became easier to show I was better. And when I failed to appear better, it came out in terrible ways like hitting my child’s mother. No matter what, I could see Nate preferred him over me. LaMia preferred him over me, and that only drove my nefarious ambitions. But now, with them both out of my life, I don’t care.” He chuckled mirthlessly. “I don’t give a fuck about competing with another nigga, whether he’s my brother or a stranger. Being evil is exhausting when it ain’t in you like that.” His eyes caught mine before we looked away at the doctor.

“And now that you see that, you’ve been working on being better. Like Rakim said, you won’t be those close kinds of twins overnight, but overtime, if you keep this up, you will. Right?” She looked to me.

“Ain’t nothing to keep up because that insinuates that this is a charade. I’m just gon’ keep being me, and he’ll see,” Ayan corrected.

“The new you or the real you in a sense,” she said. “You have to get to know Ayan as if he is a new person, Rakim. The one you knew wasn’t real, but it’s the one you are familiar with. This Ayan is akin to a stranger, so it makes sense that you will need some time to get close to him. Make sense?”

Everything made perfect sense. His explanation of feeling different correlated with him coming off as if he’d gotten the lobotomy I’d mentioned.

“Yeah,” he and I answered in unison, and she smiled, of course.

The session continued for another thirty minutes, where she had us do some corny ass bonding exercises for the last fifteen.

“She said we have to start kicking it more so . . . what you doing this weekend?” Ayan questioned as soon as we stepped outside into the bright ass sun.

“Damn, nigga, be easy. I hope you ain’t this eager as soon as you get a woman’s number.”

“Says the nigga who kidnapped his current fiancée. And if you must know, I ain’t ever eager. They’re always eager.” He winked, and I shook my head.

“Some shit ain’t gon’ change I see.” I looked off briefly as he chuckled. “Josias is coming over with Kasia while I put some food on the grill, so you can roll through. No guests though. Especially not that one bitch you be fucking on. She used to work for Day.”

“I’m single, and I haven’t talked to that girl in months. Had to block her ass.”

Chuckling, I replied, “Well aight. You welcome to come.”

We slapped hands as he nodded before we both started toward our respective vehicles.

“Aye, tell Daylin I appreciate the therapy suggestion,” he said, standing in between his car and the open door.

“You tell her yourself this weekend, nigga.” I climbed in my car, peeping the sliver of a smirk on his face through my window before he hopped into his own shit.

Me: I love you. No therapy will ever make me regret how I got you though.

Baby: Lol. I love you too.

Baby: Come kidnap me again then because I want some ice cream and can’t wait for you to bring it to me.

Me: Aight.

I shook my head, locking my phone before pulling off.

Maybe Nate Godfrey had been a dark fucking cloud we just needed to get rid of to see the sunshine, rainbows, and shit.