Page 232 of Own It

Dr. Meyers settled into her seat and pulled out her notepad, before shoving her glasses up onto her face.

Josias, Ayan, and I had been coming to see her for a little minute now, and initially, she was telling us shit we already knew. That Josias was sexually reckless with women because he craved the pedestal it put him on after being emasculated constantly by Nate. Ayan was so fucking hard up for Nate’s approval, mostly out of fear, that’d he’d started to become that nigga. As for me, she of course pointed out my violent reaction to anything that I felt threatened me, my family, or my woman since I’d grown up having to defend myself, only getting results when I reacted brutally.

So because of her revealing what had already been revealed, I wasn’t feeling her ass, but that was just the start. She began to dig out the whys and whens we all started to become that way and how Ayan and I could repair our relationship. We’d mainly had sessions separately, but today, it was me and my twin together.

“Okay, Ayan, did you want to tell your brother what we figured out last session?” Dr. Meyers crossed her legs, eyeing him.

Ayan paused for a bit, seated at the edge of the couch just as I was, before he began speaking.

“That I feel clearheaded without Pop around. It’s like his aura had a hold on me from me within, and it’s been that way since I was a kid. I can’t explain it, but I feel like I’ve been baptized or some shit. I feel and see differently,” he said as she nodded.

“Do you understand what he’s saying?” She questioned me.

“That my father was a spawn of fucking Satan?” I half joked, making Dr. Meyers smile softly, but Ayan kept his eyes pinned to the floor, wearing a serious expression.

“I guess you could put it like that.” She adjusted in her seat. “We know today’s session is about you two resurrecting your relationship⁠—”

“You can only resurrect something that was once alive, and our relationship never really got off the ground,” I corrected as Ayan nodded. “I can’t really remember a time where me and this nigga weren’t enemies, due to no fault of mine.”

“You’re right. So we don’t want to resurrect. We want to create a brotherhood between you two that goes beyond blood, Rakim. Am I right?”

“That’s the plan,” I replied.

“Now, when I asked you in your session what it would take for you to trust your brother, what did you say?”

Ayan had been straight since that day he followed me into my office pleading for my forgiveness, but it wasn’t enough. He’d been the opps for decades, and one apology or admission of guilt wouldn’t change that shit in seconds.

I was even thankful he couldn’t make it to my baby shower because me nor my girl felt comfortable having him there. It was awkward between us, almost like a stranger versus a nigga I’d shared the womb with.

It was weird to look over at him and see him wearing a regular expression versus a venomous one like normal. It was weird to have a casual conversation with his ass that didn’t involve trading insults. Everything was just odd as fuck. It was like the muthafucka had undergone a lobotomy.

“I said I didn’t know because I never trusted him. It was always him and my father against Josias, Zaire, and me. Even against our mother.” I murmured that last portion knowing Ayan didn’t like hearing that.

“I did that to protect myself, Rah. What was I supposed to do, get in his face about her and get fucked up?” Ayan looked over at me. “I watched him knock you unconscious for taking up for Ma and lock you in the closet under the stairs for a week straight. Why the fuck would I endure that?”

“I forgot you was soft,” I said, and Dr. Meyers shot me a motherly look.

“I’m soft? We was kids!” Ayan snapped, and I waved him off.

“Rakim, I know you feel the way you feel, but your brother is right. At eight years old, you should not have to fight your father and endure abuse to save your mother. I know in your eyes she was fragile and needed saving, but you were a child, and she was the parent. Therefore, she is there to protect you.”

“No.” I shook my head. “She was a woman and I⁠—”

“Was a little boy. Let me ask you something, Rakim. How did your mother react when you would take up for her? Did she thank you and praise you, or did she admonish you for it?”

Swallowing hard, I said, “The latter.”

“Exactly. Do you know why she did that?”

“To protect me,” I mumbled.

“Exactly. She didn’t want you doing that, because you were a child, her child, and she was your protector at the time. Ayan may have seemed soft to you back then, but he did what he was supposed to. Would you rather your child put themselves in harm’s way to save you or stay out of the way and protect themselves?”

“The latter,” I repeated, sinking into the couch before running a hand down my face.

“Right. Now I want you to forgive your brother for not putting himself in harm’s way. It is not his fault that he didn’t stand up for your mom. Your parents were two grown adults, and while your father was a very bad person, it was not any of you kids’ job to stand in for your mother. That’s why she reprimanded you when you did it.”

“My bad. I ain’t look at it that way,” I said to Ayan, glancing over to see him nodding.