I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I imagine it will be the same as it’s always been.”
A sad smile pulls at her lips. “Physically, yes. Mentally and emotionally, however, it will most likely feel very different.”
I bite my lip, nodding at her to continue.
She walks over and sits on the stool next to mine. “Before, while it might not have been physically pleasant, you were otherwise convinced that sex with your husband was just another one of your duties as a wife, correct?”
I once again find myself grateful for this place, these people. Without this experience, I probably would’ve remained ignorant forever. “Yes.”
“Now, with your newfound awareness of the truth, you may feel panicked or frightened. Your body may go into fight or flight mode.”
“What does that mean?”
“When your body perceives a threat, the amygdala—the part of your brain responsible for detecting danger—signals your hypothalamus, which activates your sympathetic nervous system and releases cortisol and adrenaline. When this happens, your prefrontal cortex—which helps us make logical, well thought-out decisions—is bypassed, and our brain focuses solely on survival. Your heart rate and breathing increase, your blood pressure rises, and your senses are heightened. Essentially, your brain may tell your body to fight or run, resulting in a much more traumatic experience.”
If simply thinking about sleeping with Gabriel makes me feel sick, I can’t imagine how it would feel to have to pretend that everything is normal. “So, what can I do?”
“Delay as long as possible. If he absolutely insists, you can try to disassociate.”
“How do I do that?”
“Disassociation is another one of our brain’s survival mechanisms. During traumatic experiences, our brain sometimes disconnects from our body, resulting in emotional numbness. It allowsfor a mental escape from the reality of what’s happening in our body. You can try to think of other things, to go to a place in your mind that brings you peace.”
“Okay. Thank you, V.”
“Is there anything else I can do for you?” She hops off the stool and starts tidying her supplies.
“I wanted to apologize for how I treated you when I first arrived.” Knowing what I know now, my past behavior makes me wince.
She smiles knowingly. “Your hostility was completely normal. Expected, even.”
I grimace. “Still. Thank you for being patient with me.”
“Thankyou, for doing what you’re about to do.”
I shrug. “I fear it still may not be enough.”
“Maverick always says, ‘one person can always make a difference for someone.’”
I find myself smiling involuntarily. “Of course he does.” That’s exactly what he’s done here for these people—for me. I grow more fond of him—my former enemy—every day.
I leave V with a quick hug, making my way through the camp for my final errand. Sam’s been on my mind these past few days, and there’s a nagging voice in the back of my head urging me to make things right with her.
I stop to ask a few people if they’ve seen her until I find her near the dining tent. She’s sitting with a friend—the same woman fromthe Hub on my first day here—and chatting. They fall silent as I approach, a deep-set scowl on Samantha’s face.
“Can we talk?” I ask. My tone is friendly enough, but my spine is stick-straight.
Sam jerks her chin at her friend, who scurries away quickly. “What do you want, wife?”
I can’t help the slight raise of my chin, but I ignore her jab. “I wanted to apologize.”
She crosses her arms and raises a brow, apparently waiting for me to go on.
“I’m sorry for what I said. I was ignorant and it was out of line.”
“And now you’re… what?” She waves a hand around. “Enlightened? A rebel? A traitor to the Brotherhood?”
I take a deep breath to ward off my irritation. “I’m doing what I can to make up for my past mistakes.”
