“Call it petty revenge if you like, but I want him to feel every ounce of shit he has shoved down everyone else’s throats. If he’s alive, a power vacuum isn’t created. He winds up being the one fighting a war within and without, and we’ll be able to rid ourselves of his truest believers. We clean house and perhaps find ourselves some allies for whatever we build after the GLC is destroyed.”
“I thought you wanted to rule,” Takashi said.
Roger offered Takashi his hands.
Slowly, Takashi put his hands in Roger’s. His touch was cool, though not as cold as Zack’s, and his hands were larger than his. Roger stroked his thumb along the back of Takashi’s hand. Reading his emotions was easier. As badly as Roger longed for Zack and Takashi to be at his side, what he truly wanted was a home.
That was something Takashi had never had.
“Our elite society inflicts agony in order to appease its appetites. There are better ways. We can find them. You, me, and Zack. We can build a wonderful new world, together.” Roger raised Takashi’s hands to his lips and kissed him. He squeezed as he said, “But if we hide parts of ourselves from each other, it’ll never work.”
“I had the chance to run away when you rescued Dmitri, and I chose to stay behind,” Takashi blurted out. He would have risen from his seat, but Roger was right there, trapping him. Caught, with nowhere to hide from Roger’s brown eyes, more words spilled from him. “I am not the noble thing I pretend to be. I craved power, believed it could be found within that house instead of with you. So I stayed.
“I stayed, not knowing Zack was going to rise a vampire, and once I knew, I thought that he might make the perfect leader. I pushed him to own that part of himself. To embolden him to make his own choices. And so he left his cousin to suffer, made a deal with a demon, and confided in the worst monster any of us know. Zack wasn’t the one to screw up.Iwas. I did it again just now by blaming my situation on Zack and Seamus. My weak yearnings were what dragged me to this place.”
Takashi tried to yank his hands free of Roger’s, but Roger held on to him. His grip wasn’t overly tight, but his presence made Takashi sink forward toward him. Roger slid off the desk and went to his knees so that their hug was easier.
But the comfort was too much. Takashi pushed Roger away and darted out of the chair before he could crowd him again. “I am not worthy. I am a power-seeking leech.”
“I thought of the three of us, you were the one who knew themselves best, but I wonder if you’ve buried your heart too deeply,” Roger said.
“You are giving me far too much credit.”
“Takashi, why did you run away from home?”
“Nell—”
“Not from Nell.” Roger met Takashi’s gaze and held it. “Your mortal home.”
“I … my father made it clear that I wasn’t …” Takashi folded his arms over his chest and held on to himself tightly. “Thecircus was a place where I thought I could be myself. For the most part, it was. The only other time I’ve felt like that was …”
“Was with me and Zack?” Roger asked. “Perhaps the reason you wanted to throw Zack onto a throne was because you believed power was the only way to gain the freedom your heart begs for.”
“I don’t think I like this much insight into my soul,” Takashi murmured.
Roger grinned wryly. “Who does? The important part is that you are loved, Takashi. All of you. By me. By Zack. Nell, Josefina—and so many more hold affection for you.”
“Anton,” Takashi whispered.
Roger tapped his finger on the edge of the desk. “Has something happened with him?”
“Flirting. Too much of it.” Takashi ran his hand through his hair. He could feel Katie growing excited about something. Her bubble of energy brought a spotlight to the softer, more joyful parts of himself. He had been as excited about his new life as she was, once upon a time. But he cleared his mind, throwing up a wall between them so that she would not feel his murky sadness. “Seamus and Anton don’t have a seamless relationship. I thought pushing in between them would benefit us in the long run.”
“Anton is a monster.”
“I’m aware. I’ve seen his torture chamber.” Takashi leaned against the wall. “He has a succubus down there. Apparently, he fucks him while he’s shifted to look like me. That was part of what incensed Seamus against me. But I can’t help thinking … what would he have been like if someone had intervened? What would you be like if Zack and I hadn’t come into your life? When you robbed Seamus, he beat Anton, and Anton never lifted a finger to stop him. He is so … lost.”
“He has been raping Dmitri for centuries,” Roger said firmly. “Torturing others as well.”
“I’m not claiming he’s a good man,” Takashi said. “I’m not saying we should forgive him either. But wouldn’t our fight be easier if Anton were on our side? Betray him later. Punish him for every wrong—we could come up with that after. But if he wasn’t lending his strength to Seamus, our odds wouldn’t be so stacked against us.”
“I’m not delaying my attack,” Roger said.
“I didn’t ask you to,” Takashi sighed. “I’m not even suggesting we spare him if the opportunity rises to kill him.”
“I certainly won’t hesitate to do so.” Roger checked his watch. “I hate to say this, but I am running out of time. Is there anything that you can think of that might help me? I’ve had Vincent filling in details I didn’t know, but has anything changed about the mansion in the last few weeks?”
“Other than Zack rising more powerful than he should be, no.”
