“If we had, then Seamus would be burning everything to the ground,” Roger said. “Those two may consider everything else in the world a toy to break, but they love each other to madness. You must have realized that tonight.”
Zack had spotted the devotion in the two ancient vampires. “And you think Anton’s going to leave us in peace when we kill Seamus?”
“Probably not, but the coven as a whole is terrified of him,” Roger said. “They would help Seamus. Anton, they’d run from. Don’t you think that’s true?”
“Yeah,” Zack admitted.More likely we’ll meet a swift death, but I can’t give him a reason to back out.“What are theygoing to do to Dmitri? Do you think he’ll tell them what you’re planning?”
“I think it’s a safe assumption he has,” Takashi said.
“No. Dmitri won’t talk. That’s why Anton put on his little show tonight,” Roger replied. “He was attempting to draw us out. Make anyone who sympathized or could have been working with Dmitri react.”
“Don’t call it a little show. Don’t minimize the death of four people like that,” Zack growled.
“Five,” Takashi corrected. “Unless you aren’t counting a vampire as a person, and then we have my original question to consider once more.”
“I don’t know what I want my future to look like,” Zack exclaimed. “I have been hanging on by a thread for months, okay? And when I stop to think about anything, it hurts. The only thing that doesn’t hurt is being with the two of you. But I can’t count vampires as people. You’re … you’re not playing by the same rules.”
“Zack,” Roger said with compassion and heart.
And something snapped inside Zack. Like a switch, but deeper in his soul. As if somehow, someway, the universe hadclicked. “The supernatural world—no, theworldisn’t black-and-white. It’s not even shades of gray. It’s bloodred and infected green and starlight blue and comforting brown. It’s a beautiful rainbow, and there is somethingwrongwith me, okay? Because I can drive a stake through some guy, and I don’t care. I don’t! He was rude and a vampire, and honestly, I think Anton would’ve snapped my neck if I said no. So I didn’t even stop to think about it. I just did it.
“And I watch the two of you, and I get sad. Not because I’m jealous or feeling left out but because you two will get to be together forever if you want. If you can survive the crazy bullshit and the inevitable humans fucking up the globe, you getforever.And I get another twenty really good years?Maybe. And thenmaybeI get another forty after that.
“But all I can think about is how badly we need to kill Seamus. About how that applause keeps ringing in my head. How deep down, I know you did that guy a favor because he wasn’t a screaming mess, but all I can see is a dead boy. And you’re probably right. Seamus is probably looking for an excuse to kill us because he enjoys lording this perpetual threat over our heads. He gets off on being in charge. But we keep twirling and spinning and hoping that he’s too busy with someone else to notice the daggers in our hands.
“And I train. And I train. And Itrain.I am stronger than I’ve ever been, and I am so fucking terrified that I will never be enough. I won’t get the job done. I won’t live long enough to see any real change happen. That something is already dead in me, and I can’t love the two of you the way I should.” Tears were streaming down Zack’s cheeks. “And now that I’ve said all of this, you’re going to think I’m weak and sideline me, and everything I’ve been working for will be fornothing. I’ll benothing.”
In a blur of speed, Roger caught Zack’s arms. When Zack instinctually twisted away, Roger moved with him and embraced him tightly. “You will never be nothing, Zackery.”
Zack choked on his sobs. They were flooding out of him. As much as he wanted to believe Roger, a portion of him couldn’t. Because the only thing besides nothing he could be was a monster. And he hated that any part of him wanted the power being a vampire could give him. He hated that some tiny hope in his heart burned for the day he’d have the balls to ask Roger to turn him. Because he hadn’t wanted that.
Come on, little bro. You have, the Cal voice taunted.You’ve climbed in bed with them, and you like it.
Abandoning his drink at the bar, Takashi crossed over to them. He cupped Zack’s cheeks and wiped his tears away, even though they kept coming. Softly, he said, “Roger is right, lover. Some night, you will see how special you are.”
“How can you say that? How can you believe that? When I killed somebody and I’m not even sorry? When Seamus … when he sees …”
Roger spun Zack around in his arms. “When he sees what?”
Words choked him fiercer than the tears. If he said it, he was either wrong or right, and both were miserable outcomes. But if he said nothing, he was left dangling in pain. “He sees a monster in me. You have before, too. Right? It’s why you wanted me along. Because I am a killer. Nell thinks I can do it. Everyone does. Even my family wanted me to be one.”
Roger brushed his hands through Zack’s hair and then pulled him in for a tight hug. “Monsters never cry about what they are.”
“What did you even see in me?” Zack asked. “Why? Why spare me when you killed that hunter? Why didn’t you kill me when we met? What made me different than him?”
“Beyond circumstance, likely what I’ve seen,” Takashi whispered. Roger shifted to Zack’s left side, and Takashi stood closer to his right. “You have been bent out of shape and flipped upside down, and I know that leads to questions. I know how that can hurt. But you have the strength to survive, you have an intelligence that can be too sharp for your mind to find peace, and we will see this through. You have to start thinking of what you want your future to be, Zack, because it could be anything.”
If I become like them, my family will hunt me. They’ll hunt them. Everyone will hurt.
But I can be with them. Fight with them. Love them. Let them love me.
What else can I do?
I can’t breathe.
“I think tonight’s been a lot,” Zack managed. He held his arms tight against his chest. “I think … I think I just need some sleep. Alone, if that’s okay.”
“Are you certain?” Roger asked seriously. “We can lay with you.”
