“Great. I’m glad youhadfun. Don’t worry about me. Thinking I was gonna get laid all day and having to go home to an empty, lonely,darkmotel room instead.”
“Will.”
He lifts his head, giving me an annoyed look, but I’ve seen him annoyed. This isn’t it.
This is almost…
Affectionate.
“I’ll see you soon.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “Okay.”
Christmas this year is loud and full of spirit, the way we all agreed it would be without saying so, to fill the space that Jess left behind.
Joyce brought enough food for the entire neighborhood after I told her not to bother with it. Frank came in carrying arms full of presents for the kids, even though Joyce and I already went out multiple times over the last few weeks to gather enough presents for a small army.
Addie still cried a little this morning after she opened her presents, and her mom wasn’t there to see what she got. And seeing that, after everything was cleaned up from the morning, I went to the bathroom and shed a few tears myself.
The kids shouldn’t have to spend Christmas without her.
Now that all the presents have been opened, Ollie is in the middle of the living room floor surrounded by toys I’m going to regret buying when I have to pick them up later. Frank is in the armchair resting his eyes while Joyce is tidying up.
Will is… somewhere. He’s been quiet all day, watching the room, smiling when the kids show him something and when they give him gifts. Ollie made him something at school, and Addie got him a book he seems excited over.
I didn’t realize he liked to read.
I’ve been watching him all afternoon, half preparing forthe old Will, but it never comes. He’s nothing but pleasant, and I spend the next hour feeling like the world’s biggest asshole.
We’re sort of dating now. I need to learn to trust him.
“Dad.” Addie appears at my side, wearing her puffy coat. “Can I go give Emmett his present?”
“It’s Christmas.”
“I know,” she says in a voice that means ‘duh’. “That’s why I want to give him his present.”
“You don’t need to intrude on Christmas with his family, Addie.”
“His dad is there. I’m sure Emmett would rather have me there than not. You’ve met that piece of—”
“Addie, don’t use that language in front of your grandparents,” I chide. “You can give Emmett his present tomorrow.”
She groans, sitting down with a huff, crossing her arms over her coat. “You’re ruining my Christmas.”
I go outside for air after dinner, when everyone is busy doing their own thing, and the sun has set, leaving behind a cold winter night. I wrap my hands around the back porch railing, looking at the yard, when I hear the sliding door open and shut.
Will comes to stand beside me, looking out at the yard too, not saying anything for a long while.
And I don’t know why I do it. I never talked about Jess with Karen. You don’t talk about your ex with the person you’re dating. Especially when that person is their brother.
“She loves Christmas,” I say anyway.
“Yeah,” Will says. “She does.”
There’s another stretch of silence before he speaks up. “You gonna tell me what happened or do I gotta drag it out of you?”
I look at the swing set in the yard. The fence. Anywhere but the man I want to love me when I say what I have to say. “She left because I was a shit husband.”
