“What would happen if you finally let it go, Wes?” Will asked.
It felt like I was holding this resolve so tightly, my knuckles would eventually splinter and crack.
“BecauseIthink if you let it go, the world would keep on spinning,” he said with a warm, half-smile.
It was December first. Greenpoint’s streets were decorated with holiday lights. Staring out the diner’s windows as I meditated on Will’s words, I watched as couples walked arm in arm on the way to dinner. Some of them were fighting, tense and silent, while others leaned in close with broad smiles or shook off first date awkwardness.
“I don’t really thinkyouwant to live in a world without redemption either,” Will continued, looking out the window with me. “None of us do.”
After another night of restless sleep ruled by racing thoughts and nightmares, I awoke with a start.
I’d been ruminating on the last memory I had of me and Kallie, working on our plans for the Gothic church kink club. When I was awake, the memory had been constructed so clearly: we were sitting on my couch in Chelsea, drinking and blasting music, drawing up our plans.
But in my dreams, we weren’t at my place. My notebooks hadn’t been left scattered on my coffee table when we inevitably abandoned them to retreat to my bedroom.
No. We’d been inKallie’sapartment. I’d retrieved the notebooks from my bag of kink gear, along with my first copy ofTheStory of OI’d picked up at McNally Jackson—the copy I’d also misplaced, or thought I hadmisplaced.
And I knew we’d been at her place with the notebooks because the rest of the memories finally made sense too—the ones I did everything in my power not to think about. We’d been brainstorming the week before the party I’d drunkenly slept through, after which Kallie was followed back to her apartment and assaulted.
I remembered in one of her voicemails, she’d complained about carrying around all ofmy shit.The bag of kink gear and books I’d left atherplace.
I got out of bed and started pacing. My heart raced. I rushed into my office to grab my phone and discovered I had a text.
Hudson
She’s going to the party tomorrow. I thought you should know.
Tomorrow was now today, but it was seven a.m. I knew enough about Nova to know there was no way she’d be awake this early.
I started typing a message, breaking my vow to never contact her again, when the phone died. “Fuck.”
I scrambled for a charger.
The man who assaulted Kallie had been a stranger, but strangers could bepaid.Paid to hurt people. Paid tosteal.
I was trembling with a wrath so strong, it rattled my bones. I knew Roman was dangerous. I knew he was capable of thriving in the same cutthroat environment as my father.
Butthis? Paying someone torape my girlfriend?
What else had he done? How else could he have manufactured the rock bottom that led me to leave his world for good? And why the fuck hadn’t that been the end? He’d gotten exactly what he’d wanted. He’d destroyed me. He’d claimed an innocent life as collateral with no mercy or remorse. Did hewantme to know what he’d done? Was he getting off on all of this?
I’d had thoughts of violence before, fleeting fantasies of serving justice to those who I believed deserved it. But in this moment, my visions didn’t feel fleeting. I was certain that when I next saw Roman Graves, I was going to kill him.
The phone turned on after another ten minutes of me growing blind with rage.
Before I could text Nova and demand she call me as soon as she woke up, another text flashed on my screen.
Ruby
Someone broke into Third House last night and bashed everything. The windows. Every piece of art. Our altars. All our plates and mugs and fuck, Wes. All of it. They destroyed everything we’ve created together the past four years. I called the police, but you know they won’t do shit. We’re all in shock.
My heart shattered. Everything in Third House had been handmade and curated with care. Thousands of hours of labor, blood, sweat, and tears. It had all been destroyed because ofme.
No.
Because ofRoman.
I got dressed, pocketed my phone, made sure my security system was fully functional, and left for Third House. After I checked on my friends, I would go straight to Nova’s place.
