The shock of this horrifying realization had finally broken through the cage I’d built from my own guilt and denial. My resolve had been slowly chipped away by Will, by my friends, by my higher power.
The morning sun was illuminating, revealing.
The moment my grip loosened completely, and my lungs let go of a long exhale, cold regret and desperation washed over me.
I’d fucked up.
I’d let Nova slip through my fingers.
I needed to fix what I’d broken. I needed to fight forus.
The moment I saw her, I was going to tell her I loved her. I was so in love with her, living without her had been excruciating, and I didn’t want to harm myself anymore.
I chose her.I would always choose her, and I would beg for her grace on my damn knees if that was what it took.
I pulled up Hudson’s contact as I walked quickly down my street. I typed a message to make sure Nova stayed inside, that I’d be arriving to their apartment in an hour. I couldn’t take the chance she’d blocked me.
Before I could hit send, my world went dark.
46
NOVA
Iwas doing my makeup in front of the bathroom mirror, the door ajar so I could listen to the Glass Animals album playing from Hudson’s speakers in the living room. Music had been tricky for me lately. It was uniquely painful that one of my biggest sources of comfort now simultaneously twisted a knife into my already broken heart.
To add insult to injury, the alpha reader ghosted me after she said she would read my book over Thanksgiving. I tried to remind myself she’d had a death in the family, and maybe she still wasn’t able to get to it. But I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that the reason she’d ghosted was because shehadread my book, and she didn’t have the heart to tell me it wasn’t the hit I’d thought it was.
After this weekend, I’d start looking for a job with a steady, reliable income. I’d still send the book to a new reader, or maybe query agents, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I had to stop being delusional. It was time for a Plan B.
The disappointment swimming in my eyes and weighing down my shoulders was hard to face in the mirror.
Hudson and I had already been through the round of discussions and debates about tonight, and the conclusion was always the same. Yes, it was stupid and dangerous. Yes, I was going to do it anyway.Eyes wide open.
I’d messaged Lorelei back, demanding more information, asking her why she’d run from me if she wanted to see me.
She’d replied,Because it was The Hunt, and you were hunting me. We can’t talk here. I’m sure you understand why…
It was chilling, the idea The Circle and Roman could somehow access my social media accounts, tamper with my algorithms, read my messages, track me in the city, find out where Ilived.They watched us all from a panopticon, an all-seeing eye. At first, I thought they were satirizing conspiracies about the wealthy, but reality looked far worse.
Lorelei was trapped in a circle of people who had infinite resources to make sure she never escaped. She was trapped withRoman, and I highly doubted she would be okay with the fact that the Master she served was aggressively pursuingme.
“I have something I need to confess,” Hudson said when I finished applying eyeliner.
“A lot of confessing from you lately.”
“Yeah, well…” He sighed. “Wes texted me after you broke up. He asked me to tell him if you were ever contacted by the cult again, or if I thought you were in danger.”
My heart beat wildly against my ribcage. I set the mascara down as my hand became unsteady. Just the mention of Wes flooded me with more emotion than I knew how to deal with.
“So, last night, I told him you were going to the party.”
I shouldn’t have been feeling relieved and hopeful. I should’ve felt hatred and indifference. But I didn’t. Not at all.
I’d thought about reaching out to him every day since Thanksgiving, but I talked myself out of it every time. I was still stubborn and hurt. Wes had let me go. He’d shut down insteadof fighting for me, and that wasn’t the kind of love I wrote about in my novels.
“And?” I asked.
Hudson frowned. “He didn’t respond.”
