If I felt it was wrong, then it was wrong, she reasoned, taking her glasses off and rubbing her eyes. Better to just leave it.
And now, here was Dan.
She had been feeling quite lonely, it had to be said. The thing with Dan was, even though they had been through some hard times together, not all of what had happened had been his fault. He’d been patient with her through all of the endometriosis: it couldn’t have been easy, being with a partner who was so incapacitated all the time.
If he was ready to change, would it be worth trying again? They had had some good times. And, at least Dan understood what she had gone through.
Deb had always thought that she was someone who valued personality and shared values more than looks, or “chemistry”, which, frankly, she had never believed in. But that was before.
Now, she believed in chemistry. It was a real, unfortunate, cringeworthy thing and it had made her deeply uncomfortable, at this stage.
Wouldn’t it be better to choose someone for whom sex wasn’t really a priority?
Okay, let’s talk, she replied.
The phone rang in her hand almost immediately.
‘Err… hi,’ she answered, clearing her throat.
‘Hi. Sorry, it’s early. I just thought, strike while the iron’s hot and all that,’ he gabbled. He sounded nervous.
‘I’m actually still in bed. It’s…’ she squinted at the time on her phone ‘… seven fifty.’
‘Sorry. Should I call back later?’ He sounded so apologetic that Deb felt instantly guilty.
‘No, it’s all right.’ She got out of bed and put on her robe. ‘I’m just getting up.’
‘Right. How are you feeling?’ he asked.
‘All right, thanks,’ she answered, a little surprised. The last time they’d spoken, Dan hadn’t seemed very interested in her recovery. In fact, it had seemed like he resented her and it.
‘That’s good. I was worried about you.’
‘Were you?’ Deb was genuinely surprised.
‘Of course. And, look. First things first. I was an absolute idiot, Deb. I’m so sorry,’ he sighed. ‘I was an idiot about everything. I don’t know why I got so… weird about everything. I should have supported you with the operation and everything… and I didn’t. It was a shitty way to be.’
‘It wasn’t great.’ Deb walked into the kitchen, filled up the kettle with water and lit the gas hob, settling it on the aged range cooker that sat at one side of the kitchen.
‘I know. All I can say is that I think I got… scared… of how much you needed me. You’d never been like that before, you know? You’re always so independent.’
‘I’d just had major surgery, Dan. Of course I was going to lose my independence for a while,’ Deb snapped. ‘It would have been the decent, normal, human thing to just step up and care for me, like I would have cared for you. Or anyone.’
‘I know. I don’t know what to say but sorry.’ Dan sounded miserable, and, despite her better instincts, Deb felt a little sorry for him.
Don’t be sorry for him, she chided herself.Don’t you dare.
‘Well, I appreciate the apology,’ she said, guardedly.
‘Can I see you? Maybe take you out for dinner? I think there are other things we should talk about.’ His voice was measured, but Deb detected a note of hope underneath. ‘And, if we are broken up for good, then we at least need to discuss you coming to get your stuff, or what we do with the flat.’
She was still due to pay rent on their two-bedroom flat at the end of the month. Deb was aware of it, of course, but she’d been trying not to think about it; organising the party was keeping her busy, and the stress of the situation just made her want to turn her brain off and think about literally anything else.
‘Okay. Well, I guess we do need to talk about that,’ she sighed. ‘A coffee and a walk would be better.’
‘Okay. I’ll come to you, if you like,’ he volunteered. ‘It’d be nice to see where you are.’
For a moment, Deb had a moment of pause. She didn’t really want Dan in her new peaceful haven of Loch Cameron, but it would be much more convenient than going back to Glasgow, which she really didn’t have time to do.
