‘Of course I know that. What I’m saying is that I have a deep emotional connection to that land. And it’s come as a total shock. I guess I’d appreciate it if you sounded like you understood. Or cared,’ she snapped.
‘Okay. I’m still not exactly sure what you want me to say here,’ Kyle replied, still sounding careful. ‘What do you want me to do about this, Deb? I bought Gyle Head as a business opportunity. It’s a large property development project. That’s the sum total of my involvement.’
‘Don’t you see how this might make me feel?’ Deb felt disbelief that Kyle could be so obtuse, when her feelings were so jagged: so very deep and painful.
‘Umm… I guess? But, if you were going to complain to anyone, it’d be Hal, wouldn’t it? As it was his predecessor that did the deed.’
‘I’m not complaining. But thanks.’ Deb felt increasingly irritated. ‘To be clear, I’m not interested in an apology. I guess I just thought you might understand that this… I don’t know. Puts our relationship in a weird position.’
‘Do we have a relationship?’ Kyle asked. ‘I feel like you decided we didn’t. It’s not a good time. I’m OK with that, by the way. I just wanted some clarity, and to know that we were on decent terms with each other.’
On decent terms.The phrase annoyed her further, though, in her heart of hearts, Deb knew that her feelings weren’t Kyle’s fault. He couldn’t be expected to understand how she felt. But she was too worked up to be grounded and calm now. Thenews about the eviction and Gyle Head – finally being able to put some specifics to Grandma Elise’s story – had set a bomb off, it felt like, in her emotional life. She had known what had happened to her grandmother for some time now, but not the extent of it. And knowing that it had all happened so close to where she sat now – on land that she could visit and walk on – somehow brought everything to the surface, and she couldn’t lock her feelings away anymore.
‘Oh, for…’ Deb exhaled forcefully. ‘Whatever. Forget I said anything.’
Kyle looked concernedly over at her. Deb wiped tears from her eyes.
‘Deb. I didn’t want to upset you,’ he said, slowly. ‘I’m sorry… I should go.’ He stood up.
‘Fine.’ Deb stood up and led him to the front door, her breathing shaky.
She didn’t want him to go, not really. But she knew that if he stayed, she would get more and more upset, and nothing good would come of it.
He stopped to put on his boots.
‘Deb…’ he began, reaching out for her arm. ‘Can we just talk?’
‘I think it’s best if you go,’ she said, choking back tears. There was nothing to be gained by him staying, as much as part of her wanted to bury her head in his wide, strong chest and take comfort there.
‘All right,’ Kyle sighed, giving her a sad, tentative smile as he turned and left. Deb shut the door behind him and burst into tears.
Try as she might, she just couldn’t make it work with Kyle Abernethy. Was it her? Was it him? Or, was it the crushing weight of her family legacy that she couldn’t seem to move beyond?
Deb thought about calling Janice, but knew what her mother would say, and it wasn’t helpful. Janice would tell her that Kyle couldn’t be trusted, and would only bring her pain. That she could only rely on herself. But, what if that wasn’t true? What if it was Deb’s own family inheritance of pain – that shard of glass in her heart that all the Sutherland women shared – that was to blame?
If it was, then Deb had no clue how to pull that glass out of her own heart and move on. That glass was all she knew, and it had protected her from connecting to anyone very deeply, all her life. Because connecting to others – deeply and with love – made you vulnerable to them, and that was where the pain came from.
For the first time, Deb was starting to reflect that perhaps that story might not be true. And, if it wasn’t, then she had no idea how she was supposed to live differently.
She listened to Kyle’s car door slam and the engine start. She went to the window of the lounge and watched him drive away, feeling a terrible tug at her heart.
EIGHTEEN
I want to give it another go, Deb. We had something good.
Deb woke up and reached for her phone to turn off the alarm, knocking her grandmother’s diary off the bedside table. It hit the rug with a softthunk. She’d fallen asleep reading it again last night, and, though it made her feel sad, it also gave her a sense of connection to her grandmother.
However, when she peered owlishly at her phone, blinking at the time display and feeling like she’d only slept for an hour instead of seven, she was taken aback to find that Dan had texted her in the middle of the night.
She reached for her reading glasses and put them on to read the message again.
I want to give it another go. I’m sorry for being an idiot.
She sat up in bed. So far, she hadn’t responded to any of Dan’s messages.
Again, here was Dan with whathewanted. Didshewant to get back withhim? Deb let out a long sigh. She wasn’t sure what she wanted right now. She had thought for a brief moment thatsomething might happen with Kyle, but that didn’t seem likely now…
Deb had replayed the last time she’d seen him in her mind multiple times. She had gone to message Kyle several times, to apologise, to try and explain, but she couldn’t think of what to say. Was she wrong to want more empathy from him? Or had he really beenthatinsensitive?
