You have to,she told herself.It would be weird not to, especially as he’s here.
‘So, I have some news,’ Deb said, as she walked into the lounge, carrying two mugs of coffee. ‘I found out something about Gyle Head.’
‘Oh really? Not another type of bloody squirrel, is it?’ Kyle sighed, taking the coffee. ‘Thanks, that smells great.’
‘No, no squirrels.’ Deb couldn’t help but smile. She thought that not everyone would appreciate Kyle’s dark sense of humour, but she enjoyed it.
‘Good. I can’t tell you how many emails I’m getting about protected species. If it was up to me, I’d just put poisoned nuts out for them and be done with it. I’m joking, of course,’ he sighed. ‘I wish I could do that, though. Maybe leave out some Valium-soaked digestives for those women in the village, while I was at it.’
‘No, nothing like that.’ Deb rolled her eyes.
‘Excellent. Listen, before you tell me whatever it is you’re going to tell me – I wanted to apologise for last time. You know.’ He put his coffee mug down on the little table and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. ‘I didn’t like the way we left things. I feel like I’m always apologising to you about something!But I should have been more understanding. I would never want to rush you… I just thought we were having a good time, and I didn’t understand why you pulled away. But I might have misread the situation altogether, and if so, I wanted to say, I’m sorry.’ He frowned. ‘God knows I’ve misread women before.’
‘That’s… really nice of you. Thanks,’ Deb said, haltingly, thinking about how to reply. ‘I had a good time on our date too. But…’ she trailed off. ‘Umm. I guess, since the hysterectomy, I haven’t felt very confident about myself and… you know,things.’She blushed, feeling stupid. ‘And I’m not sure what’s happening with my ex. I mean, I’m here, and he’s back home. Things aren’t exactly great. But I don’t know, we left things a bit open-ended. He’s still living in my house. So, I guess, what I mean to say is, there are a lot ofI don’t knowsfor me at the moment.’
‘I get that.’ He nodded. ‘I have those too. And I’ve never been good at knowing if women like me or not. Or, been successful at attracting the good ones.’
‘Thanks?’ Deb laughed, breaking the tension. She wondered what Kyle’sI don’t knowswere; wondered what he meant bynot attracting the good ones. Were there some skeletons in his closet, too?
‘Present company excepted, obviously.’ He gave her a wry smile. ‘Anyway, it’s fine, I understand if it’s not a good time.’
Deb felt divided. On one hand, she didn’t feel like it was the perfect time to pursue anything with anyone, but on the other, she had such a deep attraction to Kyle that just being in the same room as him and not touching him or being near to him, was torture. Since he’d arrived, she’d tried hard – and failed – not to notice his well-muscled thighs in his blue jeans, and the strength and grace with which he held himself.
But, she still felt that fear. What if she pursued things with Kyle, her body didn’t work the way it was supposed to? What if she couldn’t do sex anymore, or it hurt, or it waswrongdownthere, somehow? And she could never forget what Janice had always taught her: men were dispensable, not to be trusted, and certainly not with your heart.
Dan had proved it was true. But, what if Dan had only done what she’d expected him to do? What if she had set herself up for failure by choosing someone that she had never truly, deeply, loved?
If she was honest, she had been sleepwalking through her relationships for years. As a Sutherland woman, she’d been taught to be strong, and resist the vulnerability that came with love. Not that she was in love with Kyle – she hardly knew him. But the way he made her feel scared her. Perhaps that was what was stopping her kissing him, stopping her letting whatever was going to happen, happen.
‘I… actually, I had something to tell you. Not about you and me, but…’ She thought for a moment. ‘It’s kind of about you and me. Or, me, anyway. It might help this make a bit more sense.’
‘All right.’ He sipped his coffee. ‘What is it?’
She thought about how to best deliver the news. ‘The thing is, I found out that I kind of… have a personal connection to Gyle Head.’
‘Really? How?’ His brow furrowed.
‘Umm… well, my ancestors used to live there. My grandma, when she was a kid. And my great-grandparents.’
‘Wow! Really? I do seem to remember that there were some houses up there at some point. I recall seeing that in the paperwork. But it hasn’t been residential for a long time. I know that, because I had to do all the applications for residential status, and organise getting water and power and sewage and everything else up there.’
‘No, it was a good while ago. The Laird that owned the land then evicted the families and had the cottages destroyed.’ Deb felt a lump in her throat, thinking again about Elise and herbrother having to leave the house. How difficult that must have been.
She reflected again on how that experience would have formed Grandma Elise’s outlook for the rest of her life – that lack of being able to trust that anyone would look after her, care for her, or have her best interests at heart. If she had believed that in her childhood, then life had demonstrated to her very clearly that day – and in the years afterwards – that there was nobody protecting her, and that she shouldn’t trust anyone.
Deb felt that hurt in her own heart. She had been taught to hold onto the mistrust, like a shard of glass poking into her heart that she had gotten used to. She felt a rush of pain, thinking about Elise, thinking about everything she had inherited from her. Good and bad. She wanted to explain it to Kyle, but she couldn’t quite get the words, or explain in a way that would make sense.
‘Wow. Crazy coincidence,’ Kyle replied, sounding interested, but also detached. ‘How did you find out?’
‘I was up at the castle looking at some old records. It’s actually very upsetting.’ Deb tried to say it, but she could tell by his expression that he didn’t get it. And, why would he? Kyle had no idea of how she felt. He didn’t know her or her family, or what it was like, having grown up learning the wrong lessons from Janice’s stoic broken heart. Instinctively, anger bloomed in Deb’s heart and spread up to her throat, gathering in a ball of frustrated tears. His detachment was triggering a reaction in her.
‘I’m sorry. But that was a long time ago, right? It wasn’t you. It was your grandma,’ he replied.
‘Well, yes… but that event really ruined my grandmother’s life. It changed her forever,’ Deb argued, feeling herself tear up, frustrated that Kyle didn’t seem to understand what she was saying.
‘I’m sorry. That sounds rough,’ Kyle said, evenly. ‘I’m just not sure what you want me to do about it. I just bought the land. I didn’t evict her. You know that I’m only thirty-eight, right?’
His offhand tone annoyed her, especially when he had seemed so concerned for her feelings earlier. She didn’t understand how he could suddenly be so cold.
