‘Okay.’ He stepped backwards and nodded. ‘I… okay. I’m not sure what just happened.’
‘I just… I’m sorry.’ Deb didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t help but feel that there had been an unspoken pressure on her since he’d walked in the door tonight: was there an expectation they were going to sleep together? She’d felt it, but she didn’t know if that was an echo of something in her brain rather than the reality of the situation.
Come on, you’re being dramatic.That was what Dan had said. He had implied that she had purposefully withheld sex from him, after the hysterectomy. That she had used the operation as an excuse. And she hadn’t, not at all. But the thought of sex, when she was still hurting so much, had been unbearable.
On top of her worries about her body and whether it would work, this was an extra layer of anxiety now: the possibility of Kyle pressuring her for sex.
‘I’m just not ready. For… anything more.’ Deb felt mortified. Now it sounded like she’d assumed that she and Kyle were going to sleep together. But the more she thought about it, the worse she felt.
‘That’s okay. I didn’t assume anything.’ His tone was kindly.
‘I asked you in, but that didn’t automatically mean we were going to sleep together,’ Deb added, defensively.
‘I know,’ he replied, slowly. ‘Did I say that I assumed that?’
‘No, but… you were acting as though you thought you did.’ Deb was hyped up, now, eager to defend herself, and the words were coming quickly. She said what was on her mind, and, really, she knew she was talking to Dan. But Dan wasn’t here.‘And it made me uncomfortable. You don’t have the right to assume anything. You don’t have the right to my body if I say no.’
‘I know that,’ Kyle repeated, frowning. ‘I just kissed you. And I stopped when you asked me to. I respect your choice, and I hear what you’re saying. I don’t know what’s going on here – maybe some crossed wires. It seems like a good idea if I leave.’ He picked up his jacket and slung it over his shoulder. ‘Good night, Deb. I had a great night.’
‘Good night,’ she said, her voice flat. She watched him leave, her heart plunging to the depths of her. She felt awful, but it would also have felt awful having him stay, and expect things to happen when she couldn’t. She justcouldn’tbe physical with Kyle: she was too tense, and too afraid of what might happen.
It was better if she never put herself in that position again. She couldn’t see him again, not after this: she’d embarrassed herself too much to go back.
Her heart ached, but she knew she’d done the right thing. Deb just wasn’t ready for a man yet after all: perhaps she’d never be ready. The thought filled her with desolation, but there was a dreadful acceptance in there too.Perhaps it was never for me, she thought, as the front door clicked closed.That kind of intense feeling. It’s just too much.
She’d never understood what the fuss was about before, but now that she had met someone who gave her those feelings, Deb was starting to realise that whatever it was – lust, love, attraction – wasn’t plain sailing. It wasn’t just a question of walking off into the sunset with someone, because life got in the way of sunsets. Your brain could get in the way of sunsets and sailing off into the horizon very effectively.
Was that what had just happened? Or had she been right to say no to Kyle? Deb put her head in her hands and let out a long sigh.
If this was love, then you could keep it.
SIXTEEN
‘Morning, Deb.’ Anna, the castle housekeeper, opened the door to the rather grand castle library where Deb was working at a leather-topped desk and enjoying the view onto the manicured castle gardens. ‘How’s it going?’
Deb had been largely working from the cottage, as most of what she did could be done with her phone and computer, but she’d come up to the castle to look at the spaces they were going to use for the party, and do things like measure the Great Hall so that she knew where to put the decorations.
‘Oh, hi, Anna.’ Deb looked up from her laptop and took off her reading glasses. ‘Just ordering glassware, and organising the band. I’m ticking through my to-do list.’
She was used to throwing herself into her work to avoid thinking about her personal life. It had used to be Dan that had bothered her – thinking about whether they were really meant to be together. About whether she was truly happy in their relationship.
Newsflash – you weren’t, she thought to herself as she reviewed a spreadsheet of party costs. And, now, she was avoiding thinking about what had happened with Kyle the night before.
Ugh.It certainly hadn’t gone the way she’d thought it would. Not that she’d had any firm expectations – but the way she’d pushed him away had made everything feel so awkward – that was not good.
Should she have done anything she didn’t feel ready to do? Of course not. But she was also frustrated at herself. Because when she was around Kyle, her body felt ready.
It was her mind that wasn’t.
Anna set a pot of coffee and some delicious, sticky cinnamon rolls, still warm from the oven on the side of the capacious desk.
‘Finnegan!Heel! Sorry, Deb.’ Anna tutted at Hal’s dog. The spaniel raced over to Deb, barking excitedly. Deb stood up to head him off, catching his silky body and giving him a fond head rub.
‘Not at all. He’s a darling. I’ve always liked dogs.’
‘Well, he’s going to be a pest while the laird’s away. He loves Zelda: she takes him for good long walks most days she’s here, so I think you’re really going to miss her, aren’t you, boy?’
‘Oh. Well, if it helps, I’m happy to take Finnegan on some walks. The castle gardens are so beautiful, but I’d be keen to see the rest of the grounds, and it would give me a good excuse.’
