‘Thanks. Wouldn’t mind a cup of tea,’ he added. ‘Is that rude? That dinner was quite rich, I feel like I need something to even it out.’
‘No worries.’ She went into the kitchen, filled up the kettle with water and set it to boil on the hob. She felt a little nervous, inviting Kyle into her cottage. It wasn’t that she didn’t think she was safe. It was more that she wasn’t sure what was happening between them, and what she wanted to happen. There was a crazy hot energy between them: she could practically feel it zinging off the walls. ‘Bathroom’s through there.’
‘Right you are.’
Deb smiled at the sound of Kyle whistling in the bathroom; there were some hmms and ahas, and various clanking noises for a while. He reappeared in the kitchen soon after, laying his dark blue jumper on the side of the aged leather sofa.
‘Don’t want to get that dirty,’ he explained. Deb nodded, handing him a mug of tea she’d just brewed. Under the jumper he’d been wearing, Kyle wore a plain white T-shirt. Deb could tell it was good quality, but it was also fine enough material for her to detect the shadow of some tattoos underneath it. Not only that, the shirt was fitted enough so that his biceps strained against the sleeves. She looked away, not wanting to gawp, but it was hard not to.
‘Hmm? No, of course.’ She nodded, and picked up a tea towel purposefully, as if she had some important business with it. ‘I’ll just, errr… carry on here.’
‘Won’t be long. Thanks for the tea.’
Deb took her mug of tea and sat at the kitchen table, facing the garden window. Though it was night time, she’d left the window open, and she closed her eyes again for a moment, listening to the soft sound of the rain on the grass. It was a tranquil moment, but there was something playing on her mind – and it wasn’t Kyle’s bulging biceps.
Well, it wasn’tnothis biceps, she corrected herself. Whenever she saw Kyle, Deb couldn’t help but think about sex. And, for Deb, sex felt problematic.
Thinking about sex, in itself, had become unusual for Deb. Even before the endometriosis had destroyed her sex life, she’d never met anyone who prompted such graphic thoughts or feelings as Kyle did. But she’d gone such a long time, suffering with pain and bleeding, that she could hardly remember what it was like to have these kind of lusty thoughts and feelings about someone.
Now, though, since her body was apparently waking up after the operation, she had found herself having dreams where she woke up, desperately aroused, and not knowing why. The details of the dreams were hazy: it was a feeling more than any details in particular, but the feelings were… definitelysomething.If she was honest, she was faintly mortified about it. She felt like a horny teenager, especially around Kyle, and she just wasn’t used to it.
She’d never had the experience of lusting after a man – in real life – like she did with Kyle. Sure, she’d had crushes on movie stars just like anyone else. But this was new, and faintly unsettling.
The thing that was playing on her mind as he clanked around in the bathroom was that they’d had a lovely time. But, she wasn’t sure that she wanted things to get physical.
It wasn’t like anyone was taking notes, but Deb felt like Kyle was expecting something. And she didn’t know if she was ready to go there. Not yet.
Deb hadn’t had sex since the hysterectomy. The doctor had said that she would be safe to have sex around six to eight weeks, but that she should do it when she felt comfortable, and take it nice and slow when she did.Don’t go mad. Be careful, and remember that the end of your vagina is now only held together with stitches.
Before, where her cervix had sat at the end of the vagina, at the entrance to her womb, there was nothing. Deb had looked it up online, and technically, if you broke your stitches, then all that was behind your vagina was now your other internal organs, and if that occurred, then a prolapse was possible. A prolapse, Deb had learned, was when your intestines slipped into your vagina and could even come out of your vulva.
Even though her body seemed to have its own sexy agenda nowadays, Deb was having trouble coming to terms with her new reality. What if something terrible happened during sex? What if her body malfunctioned in some way? What if it hurt, or bled, or the dreaded prolapse happened?
Kyle reappeared in the kitchen, making Deb jump. She had been lost in her thoughts for quite a while.
‘All done.’ He handed her the towel he’d been using to wipe his hands. ‘Sorry. I’ll take that back in a minute. Just needed a new washer. I had one, so it’s all done now.’
‘Oh, thanks so much.’ Deb was nervous. Despite the fact that she had got to know Kyle a little now, and felt comfortable in his presence, he still made her flustered. It was an odd combination of feelings.
‘Of course. All part of the service.’ Without warning, Kyle took her in his arms and kissed her deeply. ‘Mmmm,’ he breathed as he kissed her. It was a deep, intense kiss, and she could feel herself responding to it instantly.
Deb felt herself dissolving into Kyle, but the worry about the operation lurked at the back of her mind, and it made her freeze up in his arms a little.
Prolapse was not exactly a sexy thought, and not what she wanted to be thinking about when Kyle was kissing her. Yet, it was now the only thing she could think about.
She knew it was ridiculous. But the thought that a kiss might lead to touching, and that might lead to more caused a wave of panic to engulf Deb’s body. And, there was something else. The way that Dan had pressured her for sex, afterwards. It had spooked her, being so vulnerable, and him not seeming to care.
‘Stop. Please.’ She pulled away suddenly as Kyle’s embraces grew stronger. ‘I… I just need a minute.’
‘What is it?’ Kyle asked, slightly out of breath. ‘I’m sorry if I kind of jumped on you there a bit… I just… well, you must know what you do to me.’ He stroked her cheek again, and leaned in to kiss her again. Deb stepped backwards, and hit her thigh on the edge of the kitchen table. She winced.
‘No. Please, Kyle.’ Her voice tightened; stress had taken over, and whatever pleasant energy had been between them vanished. ‘Stop.’
‘What is it?’ he repeated. ‘Have I done something wrong?’
‘No… I just… it doesn’t feel right.’ Deb didn’t know what to say. She had told Kyle about her operation and he’d been sympathetic, but Deb was still paranoid that it might make him think that she was less of a woman. Or, old and lacking in some way. Unsexy, or, worse – in some wayunableto do it, now. She hadn’t tried yet, and she was anxious about it. Logically, sheknew that she wasn’t old or lacking or unsexy, but the fear of them danced in her brain and taunted her.
The sudden fear that Kyle might not want her, once he stopped to think about it, filled her with an irrational terror.
