“I’m really not.” Jax kissed the side of my head and, for a few breaths, we just stood there like that. Just two guys existing in the same space. “If I was smart, I’d have figured out how to tell you how I felt about you sometime during the past three years. Because now there’s all this stuff twisted up inside me. There’s you and how you make me feel light whenever I think about you. How you light up every room you walk into. How I think I could spend forever standing here, holding you, while your creepy rabbit stares at us.”
“He’s not that creepy.”
“He looks like a serial killer, Blue. But you’re getting me sidetracked.” Jax took a breath, and his hold on me tightened like he was afraid that whatever he had to say next would make me bolt.
“If I was smart, I’d have figured out how to untangle this mess inside me, because now it’s not just you I’m stuck on.”
I pulled back and looked up at Jax. “Asher.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I know he’s young.”
“He’s not that young. I mean, he was old enough for us to shoot with.” My cheeks heated and I hated that they’d burn bright, contrasting against my fair complexion and my blonde hair.
“I have feelings for you, Blue. But I also have feelings for him. I know that complicates things. I know that?—”
I put my free hand over Jax’s mouth, silencing him.
“It complicates nothing. It actually—did you not hear what I said earlier about my feelings being hurt that Asher was still going on about Lukas? It’s because I have feelings for him too. For him and for you. And I was scared, okay. I left because I was scared of letting people hurt me. I was terrified that after all the shit I went through, and all the ways I tried to better myself, that I was still this idiot who would fall for anyone who showed me a scrap of attention.”
“I’d never hurt you.” Jax pulled me to him, pressing our bodies together. “Never,” he swore.
“I know. But I don’t know what to do. I have this big emotional mess inside of me, and it’s always been there and I doubt it will ever go away. And I’m afraid that if I let myself, I’ll fall irrevocably in love with you and Asher. I’m scared to trust myself.”
“Love is risk, Blue.” Jax brushed the smallest, faintest kiss against my cheek. “You just have to decide if we’re worth it. Butfor the record, I think you are. And maybe I’ve done a bad job of showing you that I think that way, you know, after not spending the past three years chasing you, but I’ll chase you now. I’ll chase you every day, Blue. Just to show you that you’re worth catching.”
“And what about Asher?” My words came out soft and they trembled a little.
“Do I want Asher too? Yes. I think… I think the three of us have something that could be so good. But I think that because I believe any combination of partners would be good. Whether it’s you and me, or you and Asher, or me and Asher, but that the three of us together is where we’d be the happiest. I can’t speak for you, but I feel like I need you both for different reasons.”
“What if he doesn’t want us?”
Jax cupped my cheek and made me look him in the eyes. “What if he does?”
His question hung between us, and I tried to wrap my head around the possibility. What if Asher wanted us both? Jax’s feelings echoed my own. I cared for them both for different but equally important reasons. What if I could have them both?
“Can I kiss you?” Jax whispered, his mouth hovering near mine suddenly. His breath warm on my cheek. All I had to do was turn my head just the smallest amount, and we’d be kissing.
“I think I’ll die if you don’t,” I told him, because it was the truth. My heart might actually stop beating if it had to keep anticipating his mouth on mine.
“Thank fuck,” Jax said, then his mouth slanted over mine and he gathered me close, pressing our bodies together. Jax had the kind of mouth that was easy to be consumed by. Soft lips against mine. A tongue that gently coaxed its way into my mouth and swirled around mine. The moan he let out went straight to my cock. In a matter of seconds, my whole body was on fire forhim. Or maybe it was because I’d been burning for him for a long time too.
Not as long as Jax had apparently been pining for me but long enough. And especially since that sizzling hot screen test. He and Asher had invaded my thoughts and my dreams. For the first time in years, I’d wondered what it would be like to let myself have a relationship with someone. The idea of two people to fall in love with was exhilarating, but then, if things went wrong, there’d be twice the heartache.
Except this time, I wasn’t sure I cared. I was so tired of being lonely. Of denying myself things I wanted. I wasn’t the same person that I’d been years ago. Not only did I have a better circle of friends, a job I liked, and a boss who would always have my back, I also had a stronger sense of self and a stronger appreciation for who I was.
Yes, I still fell in love easily. But that applied to everything from the animals I worked with, to ugly rabbit paintings from thrift stores, and not just to people. Now that I knew myself better, it was easier to imagine a life where I didn’t deny myself intimacy. There was still so much to untangle between the three of us if we really wanted to make a go of a relationship, but for now, I wanted to ignore all the mess between us and savor the moment.
Jax’s arms tightened around me, and I loved how that felt, like he was determined to not let me get away. Jax wanted to keep me, and for the first time in years, I wanted to be kept.
TWENTY-FOUR
ASHER
I wasn’t hiding.It wasn’t my fault that my job could be done from my apartment ninety-nine percent of the time. Honestly, I sometimes thought of getting a different job. Did Lukas hire me because he needed me or because my brother died and he needed to make sure I was okay?
Had I chosen this path for myself, or did Leo’s death determine where I’d ended up? My head was nothing but unanswered questions. Was everything I did just a way to make me feel closer to Leo? Was I trying to fill his shoes?
Lukas and Leo were friends, and maybe if I hadn’t been around, there might have been more between them. But I’d become Leo’s focus. He’d given up so much just to make sure I was okay, and then he went and fucking died and it was very obvious to anyone who knew me, that I wasn’t okay.
