“I’d like that.”
I followed Blue into his apartment. He lived in a studio apartment on the ground floor of an older building. The bathroom and the kitchen took up the entire right side of the apartment, leaving the other half for living space. The studio was on the larger size. Across from the bathroom, a queen size bed was mostly hidden by shelves that doubled as a room divider, leaving the space opposite the kitchen for the living room. A television and a gaming console sat in front of the couch and the coffee table.
Blue’s apartment was tidy. Most of the clutter had been relegated to the shelving units that blocked his bed from view.
“Do you want something to drink?” he asked. “I have water or coffee. Some energy drinks, if that’s your thing.”
“Water is fine.”
Blue washed his hands then poured me a glass of water from a filtered jug he kept in the fridge. “I’m going to change really quick. I probably smell like dog.”
“You didn’t,” I assured him, keeping my back turned to give him a little privacy as he changed. While he dressed, I took the time to look around his apartment. He had a thing for thrift store art of questionable quality. An ugly sunflower painting in a gaudy frame hung in the kitchen. A nightmarish looking rabbitwas in a frame in the living room. My confusion must have showed on my face because Blue came up next to me, and he looked at the rabbit too.
“I know it’s kind of ugly.”
“It looks like the kind of rabbit you should be afraid of. I’m worried about your taste in art, Blue.”
After all the progress we’d made in the car, it felt like we’d come to a standstill. I’d thrown my heart down at Blue’s feet and he hadn’t slammed the door in my face. But it didn’t really feel like he’d picked it up and embraced it either.
“I feel like I should explain to you why I left, but to do that, I have to explain to you why I am how I am.”
“If you want to, I’m all ears, but don’t feel like you should have to.” I looked at Blue and he looked at me, then nodded. He worried his lip between his teeth, glanced away, then back at me again, clearly nervous.
“I think maybe I do.”
TWENTY-THREE
BLUE
Talkingabout myself wasn’t on my list of favorite things to do. Revealing bits about my past and my motivations for things made me feel twice as exposed as filming porn. Displaying my naked body was something I was used to. But the idea of baring my soul left me trembling.
Jax was patient, though. He admired my killer rabbit painting and let me have space to breathe and think. As I tried to think of what to say, I remembered my boss, Rex, and I thought about what he’d say. Rex believed that the quickest way out of any problem was to be as honest as possible, even if it sucked. Especially if it sucked.
Figuring out what I needed to say was the easy part, but getting the words to leave my lips proved to be difficult. I kept my hands at my sides, opening and closing my fists as I took one deep breath after another. As I tried to get my thoughts to stop spinning long enough to collect them, a hand brushed againstmine. I looked over at Jax as that hand slid into mine. He laced our fingers together and gave me a reassuring squeeze.
I couldn’t look at him while I talked, so I turned away again, focusing on the ugly rabbit painting I’d bought at a thrift store.
“I left because my feelings were hurt. It didn’t feel like a big deal that I was breaking my rules, you know. It was you, and it was Asher, and in the moment, I wanted it. I don’t regret it, regardless of what happened after. I want you to know that.” I took a deep breath and Jax’s thumb stroked the back of my hand. His silence didn’t feel like judgment. Instead it felt like acceptance. Like no matter what my answers were, he would believe them.
“We were done, and I felt so good. And then Asher started going on about Lukas again. And look, I know he’s had a thing for Lukas since forever. Everyone knows it. I knew it when I went over there. But… okay… so. My parents basically hate my guts. After I came out life kind of sucked. So when I left home, I was this little affection-starved creature who would fall in love with people at the drop of a hat.” I paused to take a deep breath and raked my free hand through my hair. “For a long time, I was messed up. A guy would go out with me and by the second date, I’d convinced myself I was madly in love with him. Just because he was paying attention to me. It got me into a lot of stupid situations that I’d rather not talk about right now, but eventually I got tired of it. I got tired of the constant emotional upheaval.”
“So you made rules.”
I nodded. “If I only slept with guys when we were filming, it let me have some breathing space in between so I could get my shit together.”
“I had no idea.”
“That I was such a basket case?”
Jax turned, his hand still linked with mine. The other reached for me, and I let him turn my head. I made myself meethis gaze. My actions over the past couple of days had made me feel kind of stupid, like I should have just stayed and talked it out with the two of them, but I’d been too afraid in that moment that I was heading down the same old path that used to cause me so much pain.
“I had no idea that you were so strong. It’s tough to do all this on your own. But you’ve made a great life here, Blue. You put yourself through school. You have a cute apartment, even with your questionable taste in art. You have friends who care about you.” Jax’s voice deepened. “I care about you. And so does Asher. Even if he’s kind of mixed up at the moment.”
A gentle laugh tumbled out of me, relieving some of the pressure in my chest. “He’s not the only one who’s mixed up. I feel like such an asshole now.”
“Hey, none of that. You’re not an asshole. You’re a person who has feelings. And maybe we were all a bit dumb about how we handled things the other day. I don’t know that we should have had sex first without talking about what went down with Asher. It kind of feels like we tried to fix things with our dicks, and we ignored the elephant in the room.”
“Ugh.” I sighed. Suddenly fucking exhausted, emotionally and physically, I leaned forward and rested my forehead on Jax’s shoulder. Our hands were still clasped, and I was loath to let him go. “Why are you so smart?”
