“Fine.” I grabbed a couple pieces of popcorn and stuffed them into my mouth.
“Because Asher’s not the only one who’s allowed to back out of a shoot, you know. So if for some reason you didn’t want?—”
“I do,” I blurted, then grimaced and glanced at Asher, his lips slightly parted and his face turned toward Jax like he was trying to take refuge there, even in his sleep.
“Then you’ll stop trying to talk him out of it?” Jax whispered.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset him.” I glanced again at Asher, who looked so peaceful in his sleep. “I didn’t mean to,” I repeated because something inside me made me feel small again. Like I was a kid who’d fucked up and needed to be forgiven but knew I wouldn’t be.
“It’s okay. Just… stop being so nice to him.”
That made me sit up. “What?”
“That came out wrong. I meant like… stop trying to protect him. He has Lukas to be his protector. He needs friends. He needs people who don’t see him as someone who needs their constant worry.”
The air whooshed out of me. “You’re probably right. Lucky for me, friends get to cuddle.” I settled back down against Asher, careful not to jostle him or wake him up.
Jax was quiet for a few minutes, and I knew somehow that he was watching me and Asher and not the show. Hell, I wasn’t watching the show. I had no idea who the people were or what was happening, but I forced myself to stare at the screen anyway.
Ten minutes later, I was no better off. And maybe I was worse off since now I had a fucking hard-on because all I’d been able to think about was Asher and that kiss. Because I didn’t have sex outside of work, I didn’t kiss outside of work. And I tried to put a lot of distance between repeats. Especially when the connection I felt to someone had been strong. Like with Jax.
We had some of the best sex I’d ever had. I still dreamed about the way it felt when Jax slid inside me. The safety that had washed over me when he’d wrapped his arms around me. He’d whispered things in my ear about how beautiful I was, and they didn’t sound scripted. They sounded sincere. And I’d dodged him ever since because of it. Pretty words won me over too easily, and back then I’d been working hard to keep myself on track. To keep up with my studies and keep my rent paid. I didn’t have time to fight my way through another broken heart.
But lying half on Asher, with Jax nearby, it made me realize how crushingly lonely I was. I never had people over. Sure I went out and saw friends. Danced. Drank. Went to work. It wasn’t that I was never around people but I’d put walls between myself and the rest of the world. They were crumbling now, I realized. Ornot even crumbling. They didn’t have to because I’d opened the door and let Asher and Jax walk through it.
Asher let out a little groan and shifted against me. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he said.
“You weren’t asleep long,” Jax assured him. “Probably half an hour.”
Asher shifted again and I moved away, giving him space.
“I should go,” he said, rubbing his eyes.
“You don’t have to,” I told him, eager for him to change his mind and lie back down. Eager for him to go back to sleep so I could go back to having someone to snuggle against.
“I think I do. It’s been a weird day.”
I got off the couch so Asher could without having to crawl over anybody. “Are you sure?” I asked, shoving my hands in the pockets of my pajama bottoms.
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“You can call me, you know. Or text. Or message me. Whatever. Whenever. If you want.” I shuffled off to the side so he could get past me.
Asher crawled out of the bed and tried to smile at me. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”
I desperately wanted to reach out and hug him. To make promises I couldn’t keep. But shooting a scene with Jax and me wasn’t going to change how Asher felt about Lukas, no matter how intense the chemistry between us had been. Even now, it crackled in the air between us. It was all I could do to stay put and not launch myself at him. Maybe if he looked a little less sad, I might have.
Asher was in love with Lukas, and he’d need time to get over that. I’d do the scene with him because it was money and because I said I would and because I wanted to, but that’s where it was going to have to stop. Asher and Jax were both men I could easily get attached to. Asher, because he was sweet andvulnerable and it felt like he needed me. And Jax, because he was smart and devoted and easygoing and his presence always made me feel safe.
Asher slipped into the bathroom and quickly changed back into his clothes. When he came out, he stuffed his feet into his shoes and then glanced back at Jax and me. “See you guys later.”
“Text me if you need anything,” Jax offered and Asher nodded, then slipped out the door, taking all the oxygen with him and leaving behind awkward vibes and nervous energy. “I should get going too, but I’ll help you clean up first.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s already out, so I might as well have a movie marathon myself.” I didn’t want to go lie in my bed all by myself with no memories of company to keep me warm. But if I stayed on the couch, it still smelled like them and… “Yeah, actually, that would be great if you could help.”
I grabbed the bedding off the couch and tossed it over onto the recliner. Jax folded the bed and tucked it away, then rearranged the cushions while I slid the coffee table back.
There. Now it was almost like they were never here. I pasted on a smile and walked Jax to the door. “See you later.”
