“No, they’re mine. I bought them in the women’s section because they give all the nicest, softest fabrics to the women and men get scratchy fabric and slightly less scratchy fabric. Go put them on, trust me. I’m going to get blankets and pillows. There’s popcorn in the cupboard if you want to throw some in the microwave,” Blue said to me, but it sounded less like a suggestion and more like it was expected of me.
Asher padded off to change, and I paused as I slid past Blue. Looking him up and down to let him know I was very fucking interested in what I saw, I said, “You know, usually I only take orders in the bedroom, but I’ll make an exception for you.”
Blue rolled his eyes. Again. “You would.”
A few minutes later, I started the show. Asher was sandwiched in the middle between us. We had blankets and popcorn, and I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I’d watched TV with someone with the intention being to actually watch the TV and not end up fucking. It was… nice. And weird.
To prevent Blue from hogging Asher all to himself, I wriggled a little closer and draped my arm around him. Asher turned to look at me, and I offered him a smile. “Get comfy,” I said. “I know Blue is prettier than me, but I think I make a better body pillow.”
“You’re pretty too,” Asher said, then he whipped his head forward and focused on the TV like it might disappear if he looked away again.
Blue rolled onto his side and snuggled against Asher, practically laying his head on Asher’s chest. It all seemed so natural that it took me aback. I had friends. But everyone around me had sort of moved on to different phases in their lives. Friends I had from high school had gotten married and had kids or went to college. Or both. Friends I’d made in the industry came and went. For a lot of us, porn was a bridge we used to get us from one part of our lives to another.
I’d used the money from my career to fund my education, but even with my degree and my freelance gig as a web developer and SEO specialist, I still made content because I liked it. Not everyone kept going, though. Some people did it for a year, some for less than that. It was easy to make friends but hard to keep them around. People were always moving on.
Then there were people like Lukas. He was still in the industry because I think he saw a lot of us as his family, and part of me wondered if he knew how to do anything else. He’d been doing this since he was legal age and he’d only recently retired from filming, stopping around the same time that Leo died.
Next to me, Asher let out a soft snore, and it dragged me back to the present. I understood Blue’s urge to stroke his hair and pet him. To hold him close and keep him there. Asher had been through a lot in the past couple of years. He’d taken Leo’s death hard, and though we all tried to be there for him, because Leo had kept him away from the life, we’d all been strangers. We were still strangers in a lot of ways. Blue, most of all. Asher was an open book compared to him.
I caught Blue looking at him, then he caught me looking at him.
“He had a rough day,” Blue whispered, raising his hand to sweep some hair off Asher’s face.
“He’ll be okay. He’s got us. Right, Blue?”
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He snuggled back down, using Asher as a pillow again. “Right,” he said.
FIVE
BLUE
Blue Davies,you’ve gone and done it now,the voice inside my head said to me.You’ve gone and gotten attached. Moron.
My inner voice wasn’t always helpful, but it was usually right. I’d already gotten attached to Asher, who had fallen asleep like ten minutes into whatever show Jax had put on.
Asher snored softly. Pillowed against Jax, I’d taken it upon myself to cuddle up to him. I had a horrible habit of getting too attached to people too quickly. It was the reason I didn’t have sex outside of work. I was already a clingy, tactile person and having sex with people outside of the job had led me to breaking my own heart far too often. I’d always been like this, but it had only gotten worse after my parents disowned me. My stomach rolled at that thought, and I shoved it away, focusing instead on the quiet snores coming from Asher.
I wanted to ask Jax if he thought Asher would ever get over Lukas, but it might give away something that I’d rather not be known about me. My unwillingness to have sex off camera madepeople think a lot of different things about me, and I didn’t care because all their assumptions kept them from guessing the truth.
The truth was that I was so broken that I fell for people way too easily. I’d tried to be normal, to go on dates and have casual sex, but it was too hard because something in me wanted to cling to them. Even to people I didn’t actually like.
But I liked Asher. And Jax. I’d known Asher for a couple of years, Jax for longer. I knew they were nice guys. I knew that Jax walked around in basketball shorts most of the time and had busted his ass on set to put himself through school.
I hadn’t planned on having them over today or snuggling up with them to watch TV. I hadn’t planned on it because it wasn’t something I did. I didn’t bring people to my apartment. I didn’t have them over for dinner and movies. And I didn’t snuggle on the couch. Not because I didn’t want to do any of those things, but because I already didn’t want Asher to leave.
It would be so much easier if he’d just pick Jax to film his scene with. That way I could give a supportive hug and disappear into the background again. I wasn’t too attached yet. There was still time to put distance between us before it would hurt too much. But I was fucking tired. And lonely.
It had been years since I last tried dating. Since I had a boyfriend. And it had been a disaster, to put it mildly. Of course I’d gotten too attached too fast. I knew it about myself, but I tried to keep it under control. Not that I was able to. Somehow I still ended up being too clingy. Too needy. Too much. Too affectionate.
When he broke up with me, it felt like I was going to die. I couldn’t get out of bed for a week, and it was only because I had a scene to film that I managed. The shoot was a mess, and I still thank my lucky stars that Lukas didn’t write me off.
Instead, he told me to stay the night and let Lara snuggle up in bed with me. He’d only just gotten her, but everyone loved her already. The next morning, he made me get out of bed at a proper time. He made me eat a balanced breakfast, then he asked how many classes I missed and how far behind I was. Lukas got my shit sorted out. He was more family to me than my own family had ever been.
And Asher was in love with him. He had been for years. Part of me hated that I knew what Asher was going through because Lukas would never look at him the way he wanted Lukas to look at him. All that love he felt for Lukas, it would never be returned. Not the way he wanted it to be. Lukas would put him in front of the camera, and he would watch other men kiss him and touch him and hold him and fuck him, and it wouldn’t change a single thing about how he felt about Asher.
“Popcorn?” Jax nudged me with the bowl.
Asher was still sound asleep. The emotions from the day had obviously caught up to him. But Jax was awake, and aware, because when I chanced a look, he met my gaze with concern. “You okay?”
