He is my light. And the reason I could face the dark.
“I love you, Dagon. I love you as the brother you used to be. I love you as family. As my man. I love you as my demon, and everything you are.”
“And I love you, Diablos. All of you. I’m not so good with words and expressing my emotions as you are, but one day, I'll show you just how much you mean to me.”
His breath hitched. His fingers curled into my shirt.
“You don’t know all of me, my sweet demon.”
“I want to. I may not know everything, but I feel all of you. And I love every single part.”
“I have OCD,” he blurted.
My fingers stilled in his hair, and I felt like the air was sucked out of the room. Diablos’s heart was beating hectically. He tried to push away from me, but I grabbed his waist and kept him pinned to me.
“Look at me, Di,” I said softly, not wanting to scare him.
He shook his head. I gently took his face in my hands and guided his gaze to mine. The frightened expression, the pure fear and shame in his eyes, broke my heart.
I had a hundred questions. I felt every one of them rise in my throat – when did it start, why didn't I see it, how long have you been carrying this, what have I missed – and I swallowed every single one. He hadn't told me this so I could ask hard questions. He had told me because he wanted me to see this part of him, to know. He was also terrified of how I'd react.
The questions could wait. They were mine. He didn't owe me answers tonight.
"It doesn't change anything," I said again. "You hear me? Nothing about you just got smaller in my eyes."
"I'm sorry," he rasped.
"No. Don't. Don't apologize for this. You don't owe me an apology for who you are."
The last thing I wanted was to make him feel guilty.
When he didn't say anything I continued, “You don't have to answer now. I just want you to know one thing.”
“What?” His voice was fragile. Barely there.
“I’m here for you. I love you so much that words pale compared to what’s inside my heart.”
I took his hand and pressed it to my chest.
“This heart beats for you. For all of you. All of your light and all of your darkness. I don’t want to love just the parts you show to the world. I want to dive into the darkest depths and be there for you. I want the shadows, the depths, the horrors, everything. And whatever you want me to know, I'll learn at the pace you give me. Not faster.”
“You’re already in, Dagon,” he said with a wavering voice. “I want to be there for you, too. I want you to see all of me.”
“I do see you, love. I see a man who grew up to be incredible. A brave soul who survived hell and didn’t let it harden him. I see a man who’s strong, but also gentle. You struggled in the darkness all alone, but you made it. I see a man who is a hero.”
“I don’t feel like a hero. I feel broken… like a fraud.”
I held him tighter.
“It’s okay to feel like that. But you're not alone anymore. You’ll never again struggle alone in the dark. I've got you, and I always will. I promise you, Di.”
“I-” he started but stopped to take several deep breaths. “I don’t know when it started or how. I didn’t even know what OCD was for a long time. I just… have these intrusive thoughts that something terrible will happen to someone I love, or that I'll cause it.”
I knew a bit about mental health, thanks to Andras, but I needed to listen, not ask.
“After the thoughts start, I feel like I have to do something to prevent it. Like I have to neutralize the thought somehow. Usually, it’s a compulsion to do things four, six, or seven times.I like the number four for some reason. I don’t connect it with anything in particular. But, I connect six and seven with our family.”
“Our family?”
