Connor’s done so much for me in the last few months, I can’t just throw that away on a selfish whim. Can I?
I shouldn’t. I’ve turned his life upside down enough; I can’t end things just because it isn’t convenient for me and my own happiness. My happiness feels secondary to Connor’s.
‘When you get on an aeroplane, you’re told to put on your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else with theirs’,Natalie had said.‘You need to prioritise your own wellbeing before you’re able to give anything back to others.’
Conflicted, I take a seat on a bench and look out over the pond, intending on trying to ground myself before making any rash decisions. But my half-hearted attempt is interrupted by my phone buzzing in my pocket.
I look at the screen and see Connor’s name. Instantly, my heart swells and breaks at the same time. Conscious that I don’t want him to worry unnecessarily, I decide to answer it.
“Hi,” I say brightly, hoping to hide my emotions from the person who knows me best.
“Hey, how did it go?”
I let his warm voice wash over me as I consider how to answer. I decide on a version of the truth. “Natalie’s really nice. She’s put a plan together, nothing like Rhys’s regime. I’m seeing her again next week.”
“That’s great, Tilly!” Connor says, the pride evident in his voice.
“Yeah. There’s just one thing she suggested I think about that I don’t really want to do…”
I desperately want to talk to Connor about my predicamentbecause he’s my go-to for everything, but he’s also the one person I can’t ask for an opinion.
“Okay… Is it something that’s going to make you better in the long run?”
“Yes,” I murmur. “Yes, I think so. But it’s not that simple…”
“Baby, if it’s going to make you better, then it’s worth it, whatever it is, don’t you think? You’re strong, Tilly. You can handle it.”
I’m strong. I can handle it.It’s the last thing I want to do, but maybe Connor’s right and it’ll be worth it long term. But will he still think that when he finds out what sacrifices have to be made by both of us?
“Are you home? I need to talk to you about something.”
I hold my breath while I wait for his reply, knowing full well that he can tell something isn’t right. But if I’m going to do this, then I need to do it quickly, or I’ll change my mind.
“Yeah, I’m home,” he finally answers.
“Okay. I’m on my way.”
I feel sick with dread when I finally pluck up the courage to walk into Connor’s house forty minutes later. He’s waiting for me in the kitchen, sitting rigidly at the island, a mug clasped between his hands. When he spots me, his mouth twitches up into a nervous smile, and he walks over, twisting his cap so it’s facing backwards when he bends down to kiss me. Knowing that it’s potentially the last kiss I’ll ever have from him, I pull him closer, by the back of his neck, and kiss him back with what I hope is enough love and passion to get us through the next couple of hours.
“Wow,” he breathes, touching his swollen lips with his fingertips as he sits down. “I wasn’t expecting that.”
“What were you expecting?” I ask nervously.
“Honestly? I thought you were coming home ready to break my heart.”
Emotion clogs in my throat, blocking any words from coming out. I don’t even know what I’d say anyway. Instead, I let the tears welling in my eyes fall, and a strangled cry escapes me. Connor has his arms around me in an instant, holding me close and rubbing soothing circles on my back.
“Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Despite Connor’s tender, comforting touch, his body is tense as it surrounds me. He knows something’s wrong, and he’s braced for it.
With all the time I’ve had to think about what I’ll say to him, I still can’t find the words. This isn’t a break-up as such – at least I hope it isn’t – just a pause. Time for me to sort myself out on my own, become a woman I can be proud of, before picking up where we left off.
But asking him to wait for me is a huge ask, not to mention selfish on my part. It could take weeks, months, to get to a place where I’m ready to start a life with him. I can’t ask him to put his entire life on hold for me. Without knowing he’s there waiting for me, my safety net, my reason to try, I don’t know if I’ll be able to push through the hard times. There will be no light at the end of the tunnel. Only more darkness and loneliness. Though I suppose that’s the point. I shouldn’t need someone else to be the reason I get my shit together. I can be my own light.
Maybe this is a break-up after all.
“Tilly?”
Connor’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts, and I take a second to look at him, really look at him for the last time. His wavy hair, which always smells of my shampoo even though he firmly denies using it. His warm brown eyes, crinkled at the corners from years of laughter. His neck, which makes the perfect nook for my head when we cuddle, where that smell thatalways comforts me is strongest.
