Natalie puts her tablet down on the coffee table between us and leans towards me. “I understand that you want to lose a few pounds—”
“Two and a half stone, actually…”
“—but I think there’s more to it than that, and I’m worriedthat you’re never going to be satisfied with how you look physically if you’re not there mentally too. If you choose to start up sessions with me, then you need to know I’m in this foryou. We’ll work on losing weight if that’s one of your goals, even though you don’t have as much to lose as you think, but there’s so much more to it than just that. I can help you, I really think I can, but you’re going to have to commit to the whole journey if you want to see any real changes. How do you feel about that?”
Terrified. Anxious. Hopeless.
“Sounds great,” I choke out, forcing a smile.
“Okay. I’m going to need you to tell me everything you can about your life, your story, how you feel. Then I can get a plan in place for you. Ready?”
“Ready.”
Thirty-five minutes later, I’m still sitting on the sofa, but now my face is red, puffy and tear-stained. Natalie has moved from her chair to sit on the couch next to me, rubbing my back comfortingly as I finish telling her about my job, Rhys, Connor, my mental health, everything. Hearing it all spill out like verbal diarrhoea was cathartic in a way, but seeing the look of pity on Natalie’s face stings.
“Thank you for being so honest with me, Matilda. That couldn’t have been easy for you,” she says after handing me yet another tissue.
I sniffle in response, too emotionally exhausted to use words.
“I have some thoughts and a plan in mind if you’re interested in hearing them?”
I nod my head and take a deep breath to prepare myself for what she’s about to propose. Hours of intense exercise? Limitedeating? I brace myself for the worst scenario.
“I want you to start exercising regularly. Nothing extreme, just get your body moving every day, and come train with me once a week.”
Okay, not too bad so far.
“I want you to eat well. Loads of nutrients to fuel your body and boost your mood.”
Not unexpected. I can manage that.
“And I want you to start being kinder to yourself. So, you eat a doughnut? So what? Enjoy it and move on, don’t beat yourself up about it.”
This one surprises me, but I nod in agreement and promise to try.
“This next one isn’t a goal as such,” Natalie says, suddenly sounding a little apprehensive. “It’s more like something to think about.”
“Okay…”
“After everything you’ve been through, I think you should be careful jumping from one relationship into another. Connor sounds wonderful, but you really need to focus on yourself right now. Having the pressure of a new relationshipmighthinder your progress rather than help it, and I’m worried about you relying too heavily on someone else to succeed. It’s not a deal-breaker, and totally up to you what you do, it’s just easier sometimes for people outside of the situation to see things more clearly.”
Hinder my progress?A spark of defensiveness flares in my chest. He’s my anchor, my literal reason for living. Doesn’t she see that?
“Connor is the only thing getting me through this mess of a life,” I say in disbelief. “I’m doing this to be better for him.”
“Exactly,” Natalie sighs. “But you should be doing this foryourself.”
Chapter 42
I can be my own light
I promised Natalie that I would think about what she said and that I’d go back in a week to start training with her. But it isn’t the exercise and weight loss that dominates my thoughts as I’d expected in the hours that follow.
Unable to face going home to Connor after being told to consider ending things with him, I drive to a local park and decide to take a walk to clear my head. As I follow the dirt path through the trees, I try to think of the most logical way to figure out what to do. The problem is, however, I’m not thinking logically. My feelings for Connor completely override every other thought in my head, and each time I try to imagine living a life without him in it, I well up and have to bite my cheek to stop myself from crying.
There’s no doubt that I need Connor. He saved me when I wasn’t capable of saving myself. He picks me up when I’m feeling low. He’s given me something to live for.
‘I want you to love yourself as much as I love you’,he’dsaid. Maybe having some time apart is a means to that end? Maybe Natalie’s right? Feeling like youneedsomeone else to live isn’t healthy, at least that’s what I’d say to anyone else in my situation.
