I nod in reply and focus on our joined hands rather than look at his face.
“How… I don’t….” he stutters, searching for the right words. But the joke’s on him; there is no right thing to say here. My reasoning for the way I feel is foolproof. It feels airtight. Indisputable.
“You don’t have to say anything, Connor. It is what it is. I’m just sorry I’ve dragged you into my shitshow of a life.”
“You have no idea how much I used to dream about being in your life, Til. And now I finally am, and you want it to end?”
“No, that’s not what it is.” I sigh, frustrated. I thought I’d made it clear how I felt, but I suppose it’s difficult to understand if you’ve never felt it yourself. “I didn’t want to die. I don’t want to die. But it seems like the best option when all I do is wreck things for everyone.”
“Wait – ‘seems’? Not seemed?”
“Semantics,” I say dismissively, but Connor’s not convinced.
“Don’t tell me you still think that’s an option?”
“I…”
“Because it’s not an option at all, Matilda!” Connor’s eyes have turned wild with panic, and my head spins with guilt.
“Please don’t get upset.”
“The woman I love, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, has tried to end her own life and just told me she might try again. Wouldn’t you be upset?” Connor’s voice is full of emotion and his eyes brim with tears. I can’t take the sorrow on his face.
The words hang in the air like static, electrifying and terrifying. I want to reach for them, hold them close, but I don’t know if I deserve them.
“I thought it was for the best.”
Connor heaves a frustrated sigh and runs a hand through his hair.
“What if it was me?” he eventually asks, not looking at me.
“What?”
“What if it was me who jumped off the pier? What if I was sitting in front of you now, telling you I thought I was worthless and the world would be better off without me?”
For a minute I’m speechless. It’s not fair to ask me tocompare the two situations because they’re completely different; I ruin everything I touch, while Connor makes everything better. I make people feel uncomfortable, while Connor builds people up and makes them feel invincible. The world would be better off without me, but it’s infinitely better with Connor in it.
“It’s not the same—”
“But how would you feel?”
Heartbroken. Devastated. Inconsolable.
“It would be painful,” I admit. “Excruciating. I don’t think I’d survive it.”
“And what if you were on the pier and saw a stranger climbing over the rails to jump. What would you say to them?”
My lip trembles, and my barely audible voice quivers. “I would tell them they shouldn’t do it. I would beg them to climb down and get help.”
“Why?” Connor asks, his voice as quiet as mine, but firm.
“Because jumping wouldn’t solve their problems, it would only cause more pain to the people they love. Because they deserve to live. They deserve to be happy.”
“Tilly, so do you.” Connor pulls me onto his lap and holds me tight as I let myself break down completely.
My body shudders as I sob into his shoulder. Connor rubs my back and lets me cry until I run out of tears. I cry for the people I’ve affected with my warped way of thinking. I cry for Connor and all the pain I’ve put him through. And I cry for myself and all the years I’ve wasted overthinking when I could have been happy.
Eventually, I pluck up the courage to admit what I should have faced a long time ago. “I think I need some help.”
