“How do you feel?” Connor asks me once I’ve covered myself with a blanket.
I laugh. “A bit sore, but happy.”
“Good. I’m going to make sure it stays that way.”
Chapter 39
Semantics
We spend the next few hours watching old sitcoms, eating snacks and cuddling. Lots of cuddling. As the episode currently playing on the laptop comes to an end, Connor closes the lid and pulls me closer towards him. Unlike the rest of the afternoon where he’s been relaxed, his body is suddenly tense. Assuming he’s gearing up to have a serious conversation, and there’s nothing more I want to avoid right now than a serious conversation, I try to distract him before he can start.
Leaning into him, I place a kiss on his throat. I add another and watch his eyes close slowly with either desire or frustration, possibly both, and he passes his tongue over his lips. Growing bolder, I slide my hand down from his chest towards the waistband of the boxers he threw back on earlier. But before I can even brush the fabric, Connor’s hand clamps around my wrist, stopping me in my tracks.
“Tilly—”
I start kissing my way down his chest.
“What?” I ask innocently.
“I think we should talk,” he says.
From the way the muscles in his jaw are tightening, I guess it’s taking a lot of self-control to try to stop me. I silently pray that means my plan will work if I keep going.
“So, talk,” I say against the tight skin of his torso.
He sucks in a breath as I move to straddle one of his legs, and I use my free hand to tease the elastic of his underwear.
“It’s pretty hard to focus when you’re doing that.”
“Do you want me to stop?” I look up at him, my head hovering over his now bulging pants, and take in the torn look on his face.
“No.” He tucks a stray lock of hair behind my ear. “But I really think we should talk first.”
Damnit.
The heat between us cools instantly. Reluctantly, I swing my leg back so I’m out of his space, and avoid his gaze. I let my hair hang in front of my face as a handy curtain, hiding me from view. Unfortunately, Connor knows me annoyingly well and sees through it immediately.
“I thought we talked about not hiding from me?” he says softly, brushing my hair out of my face so I have no choice but to look at him. “I know it’s hard, but it’s important, Tilly. We need to figure this out so it doesn’t happen again.”
Conceding, I nod my head and accept the clothes Connor hands me. It’s the same outfit I wore home from hospital, the one we hastily threw out of the blanket fort in our rush to get each other naked hours before. Connor must have retrieved them and folded them neatly at some point. I get dressed while Connor does the same, and soon we’re both fully clothed, sitting cross-legged, facing one another. Connor produces a hair tie from God-knows-where and hands it to me with a knowingsmirk. There’ll be no hiding away from this conversation.
I tie my hair back. “Why don’t I get us some drinks first?”
“There are bottles of water next to you,” Connor calmly points out.
“I could really use the loo, actually…”
“Tilly, you can’t avoid this conversation forever. It has to happen at some point.”
I sigh. My shoulders slump. Tears fill my eyes. We haven’t even started talking yet and I feel defeated. “Okay,” I say quietly.
“Okay,” Connor repeats soothingly, taking my hands in his. It’s a small gesture but I find it immensely comforting. I use the strength Connor’s presence gives me to sit up straight again.
“Let’s get this over with,” I say. “What do you want to know?”
It’s difficult finding the words to explain to Connor what was going through my head that day at the pier. At first the words won’t come at all, but once I force out the first few sentences it becomes easier. Not easy, but easier. Connor listens patiently, nodding along and never interrupting, but occasionally strokes the back of my hand or wipes a tear from my cheek. It feels good to get it all off my chest, but there’s still a lingering anxiety that he will think I’m crazy and decide I’m not worth the hassle. And I wouldn’t blame him one bit.
“You feel like this all the time? Like you’re worthless?” he asks quietly.
