I look up at him, lost for words. He’s being so kind I almostcan’t bear it.
“Come on, I’ll make us some dinner. Then do you think we can talk? You don’t have to tell me everything, but—”
“I want to. I want to tell you everything.”
Connor whips up some spicy chicken and rice, which we eat in front of the TV. He’s sitting so close to me our elbows keep nudging each other, but neither of us moves. We watch an old sitcom, which we’ve both seen so many times we know the punchline to every joke. It’s comfortable, a feeling I’m not used to.
Once we’ve finished eating and our bowls have been abandoned in the kitchen sink, Connor brings me a glass of water and my prescription from the hospital.
“Sorry, I forgot I’d picked these up earlier,” he says, handing them to me. “Are you due anything?”
I gratefully take the bag. “I haven’t had chance to take any of it yet.” I rummage through and find the painkillers, taking two immediately. As I swallow them, Connor examines the box with a look of concern.
“Erm, Til? It says the dosage is one every eight hours.”
“Oh, oops. Too late now.” I shrug.What’s the worst that can happen?
Connor takes my glass of water and sets it on the coffee table, then settles down beside me again.
“So, shall we talk?” he asks carefully.
Honestly? I’d rather step on Lego barefoot. I hate talking about myself and my feelings. It makes me so uncomfortable to have all of that attention on me. But I trust Connor, and he’s been so good to me I think he deserves to know the truth about the last couple of months.
Deep breaths, Tilly. This is Connor. He’s a good guy.
“Okay.” I turn on the sofa so we’re facing each other, our knees touching.Where do I start?“The day I first came here, I’d gone home from work and found Rhys cheating on me, and apparently, it wasn’t the first time. He told me it was my fault because I didn’t make enough of an effort to stay attractive like other women.”
Connor’s face contorts with barely contained anger, but I carry on before he can speak. If I stop now, I might never start again.
“I’d tried so hard for so long to be who he wanted me to be, but I could never achieve it. I was never good enough. When I found him cheating, I left because I couldn’t be with a man who I couldn’t trust, even if I was ultimately to blame. While I was staying with you, I started to feel a bit better, which was huge because I’m so used to hating myself. But then I went out with work, and my thoughts started to spiral out of control. I had dark thoughts that night, not for the first time, but darker than I’ve ever had. I realised that everyone around me…” My throat constricts with anxiety. I’ve never talked to anyone about my thoughts. What if he thinks I’m crazy?
“Go on,” Connor says comfortingly. He reaches forward and takes my hands in his, stopping them from shaking.
“I realised that everyone would be better off without me, and I tried to do the right thing. I walked to the main road and… and… I was going to step out in front of a truck.”
Connor’s eyes flash with horror. He puts his hand on my face and wipes a tear from my cheek. I lean into its calloused roughness as I continue.
“Turns out Rhys had seen me leave the bar and followed me. He talked me out of… doing what I was going to do… and took me home. When we talked the next day, he reminded me thatI’d upended your life and you would probably want to get back to normal, but for you to do that I’d need to stay away from you. It made sense. I didn’t want to affect your life any more than I already had, so I agreed. I didn’t want to, but I was trying to do the right thing.
“Anyway, life got back to normal for me and Rhys. I went back on my diet plan, and I was being really strict with myself. I hoped I could do a better job of keeping his interest this time. But I wasn’t losing weight fast enough, so I let Rhys put an exercise plan together for me. I was at the gym the other day when I got lightheaded and fell off one of the machines, hence the busted face. I went to hospital and had scans and stuff, and when they discharged me, I got home to find Rhys having sex with my doctor on the couch. Even after everything I’d done, how hard I’d tried, I still wasn’t good enough for him.
“I told him I want a divorce and left. I got in a taxi, planning on going to a hotel for a few days, but I ended up making my way to you on instinct. And now here we are.”
Connor’s fingers thread through my hair as he leans towards me and kisses my forehead. His warm lips are soothing to my piercing headache, and I find myself gripping his T-shirt in my hands, clinging on to him. The room spins, but I fight to stay with Connor, needing to be fully present for this telling of truths.
“Please say something,” I whisper.
“Never do anything like that again. Please.” His grasp on my hair becomes more desperate, his fingertips dragging along my scalp. “You’ve been through so much, baby, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to help you through it.”
Connor’s voice suddenly sounds distant, as if he’s speaking to me from a different room. I look up at him to double-check he’s still in front of me. Yes, he’s there, his fingers still woven into my hair, that familiar concerned look in his eyes. Funny, I’ve never noticed how fuzzy his edges are before. I use my finger to tracethe outline of his face, concentrating hard so I don’t miss any of it.
“Tilly? Are you okay?” Connor looks at me like I’ve gone insane. Maybe I have. Maybe it’s the trauma catching up with me.
“I’m trying to draw your face, but your skin won’t stay still.”
“What are you talking about?” Concern blends with amusement as Connor lets me run my fingers over his face. His perfect, stubbled face.
“You’re a peach, you know?”
